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Seinfeld Funny Quotes

  • The Parking Spot
    "You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?"
    - Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Parking Spot"
    "All bald people look good in hats."
    "You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then."
    "What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew."
    - George and Elaine, in "The Parking Spot"
    "I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems."
    - Kramer, in "The Parking Spot"
    "I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault. It's a vault!"
    - Jerry, in "The Parking Spot"
    "Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on."
    - George, in "The Parking Spot"
    "You don't understand. A garage... I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?"
    - George, looking for a parking spot, in "The Parking Spot"
    "How I wish you could make a living parallel parking."
    - George, in "The Parking Spot"
    "You're looking tremendous. What, are you on some kind of regimen?"
    "Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me. They take it down another fifteen percent."
    - Mike and Jerry, in "The Parking Spot"
    "I thought you said you were a good driver!"
    "No no, I never said I was a good driver. I said I was a good parker."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Parking Spot"
    "You gotta open the vault."
    "Open my vault?"
    "Open your vault."
    "Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault."
    "You have no choice."
    "Oy ga-vault."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Parking Spot"
    "You want to know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. Because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law."
    - Newman, in "The Parking Spot"

  • The Abstinence
    "Who are you gonna eat to survive?"
    "So fast? What about me?"
    "Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy."
    "Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you."
    "Well, I would eat you."
    "That's very nice, I guess."
    "I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend."
    "Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you."
    "Thank you."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Abstinence"
    "I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm a sexual camel."
    - George, who will have to abstain from sex, in "The Abstinence"
    "I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?"
    - Jerry, at his old junior high, in "The Abstinence"
    "So you're enjoying the not enjoying."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Abstinence"
    "What is with all these books?"
    "I stopped having sex."
    - Elaine and George, in "The Abstinence"
    "Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It's not complicated."
    - George, to Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams, in "The Abstinence"
    "To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Abstinence"
    "My face is all craggly, it's crinkly!"
    "It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in seventy-two hours. What did you expect?"
    "Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face."
    "And your teeth, your teeth are all brown."
    "Look away, I'm hideous."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Abstinence"
    "I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor."
    - Ben, to Elaine, in "The Abstinence"
    "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations."
    - Jackie Chiles, in "The Abstinence"
  • The Heart Attack
    “’Fax me some halibut.' Is that funny? Is that a joke?"
    - Jerry, trying to read his scribbled note, in "The Heart Attack"
    "Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed."
    - George, in "The Heart Attack"
    "Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body."
    - Jerry, in "The Heart Attack"
    "Boy, they've got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital!"
    - Kramer, in "The Heart Attack"
    "You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm."
    - George, in "The Heart Attack"
    "Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly."
    - Jerry, at the holistic healer, in "The Heart Attack"
    "A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? Yuck, I don't think so."
    - Elaine, in "The Heart Attack"
    "That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming globes of Sigmond! That's my note! That's what I thought was so funny? That's not funny. There's nothing funny about that."
    - Jerry, in "The Heart Attack"
  • The Baby Shower
    "She doesn't deserve a baby shower. She deserves a baby monsoon."
    - George, in "The Baby Shower"
    "Explain to me how this baby shower thing works."
    "What do you wanna know?"
    "Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Baby Shower"
    "Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do."
    "And if you do?"
    "I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Baby Shower"
    "Man, it's the nineties... It's Hammer time!"
    - Kramer, in "The Baby Shower"
    "You're wearing the chocolate shirt!"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Baby Shower"
    "Yeah, I eat the whole apple. The core, stem, seeds, everything."
    - Kramer, in "The Baby Shower"
    "Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason."
    - Jerry, in "The Baby Shower"
    "Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. And yet, I want them all. Is that irony?"
    - George, in "The Baby Shower"
  • The Stranded, The Stranded
    "It's supposed to be a good party."
    "What does that mean? Good dip?"
    "No, there'll be girls there."
    "There's girls everywhere.  I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator.  They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Stranded"
    "You got aloe?  I love aloe."
    - George, in "The Stranded"
    "What could possess anyone to throw a party?  I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room."
    - Jerry, in "The Stranded"
    "Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight.  In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it."
    "How old are you?"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Stranded"
    "So what do you do?"
    "I'm a comedian."
    "Are you?  Let me ask you something.  Where do you get your material?"
    "I hear a voice."
    "What kind of voice?"
    "A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator."
    "How come you keep tapping your head?"
    "It's a nervous tic.  I'm on L-Dopa."
    - Party guest and Jerry, in "The Stranded"
    "I can't believe what's happening here.  She hasn't taken her hands off me all night.  She was always friendly around the office, but that was it!"
    "How do you account for this?"
    "I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Stranded"
    "Maybe the dingo ate your baby."
    - Elaine, to an annoying party guest, in "The Stranded"
    "I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her."
    - George, in "The Stranded"
    "Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk.  I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing.  Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went.  If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day."
    - George, in "The Stranded"
  • The Cheever Letters
    "Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happening here."
    - Elaine, in "The Cheever Letters"
    "It's very hard being a stand-up comedian. Sometimes they don't laugh!"
    - Elaine, apologizing for Jerry, in "The Cheever Letters"
    "It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps. Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!"
    - Kramer, disdainful of public golf courses, in "The Cheever Letters"
    "I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot... You're toiling in virtual anonymity."
    - George, in "The Cheever Letters"
    "Wear some more lipstick."
    - Mr. Ross, insulting his wife, in "The Cheever Letters"
    "Cherish the cabin."
    - Mr. Ross, recalling his father's final words, in "The Cheever Letters"
    "Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all laid out for me."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Cheever Letters"
  • The Watch
    "If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you."
    "She's pretty. She's not beautiful."
    "I should drop dead if she's not beautiful."
    "I think that's a little extreme."
    - Helen Seinfeld and Jerry, about a waitress, in "The Watch"
    "Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted. You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults me."
    - George, in "The Watch"
    "Have we been intimate?"
    - Kramer, to Elaine, pretending to be her boyfriend, in "The Watch"
    "You're a comedian, couldn't you come up with something?"
    - Helen, to Jerry, in "The Watch"
    "You don't understand. I can't allow my son to pay for me. Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you a check."
    - Morty Seinfeld, in "The Watch"
    "Don't tell me about business! I sold raincoats for thirty-five years!"
    - Morty, in "The Watch"
    "You have a decaf cappuccino?"
    "I don't think we have that."
    "Well, that's a little strange."
    - Kramer and Dr. Reston, in "The Watch"
    "You know why fish are so thin?"
    "They eat fish."
    - Jerry and Naomi, in "The Watch"
    "Let me see if I understand this. In other words, you held out for... less money."
    "I was wrong, you were right."
    "You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go up."
    "You're smart, I'm dumb."
    "You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Watch"
    "How could anybody not like you?"
    - Helen, to Jerry, in "The Watch"
  • The Note
    "I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it."
    - George, about receiving a massage, in "The Note"
    "I can't get a massage from a man."
    - George, in "The Note"
    "What if something happens?"
    "What could happen?"
    "What if it felt good?"
    "It's supposed to feel good."
    "I don't want it to feel good."
    "Then why get the massage?"
    - George and Elaine, in "The Note"
    "A man gave me a massage."
    "So he had his hands and, uh, he was..."
    "He was what?"
    "He was... touching and rubbing."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Note"
    "I think it moved."
    - George, in "The Note"
    "Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know, shift to the other side."
    "No, no. It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Note"
    "Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?"
    - Kramer, in "The Note"
    "I've always been a stall man."
    - George, in "The Note"
    "I'm not happy."
    "Me neither. I've never been happy."
    "I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Note"
    "Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle."
    "Of what? Oh."
    "And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say 'Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!' "
    - George and Elaine, in "The Note"
  • The Cadillac
    "It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship."
    "I tell you how much I make."
    "And I'm always impressed."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Cadillac"
    "I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior."
    - Kramer, after learning how much money Jerry makes, in "The Cadillac"
    "I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men."
    - George, in "The Cadillac"
    "I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting."
    - Kramer, in "The Cadillac"
    "I'm a good son."
    - Jerry, in "The Cadillac"
    "Whenever Jerry comes, something exciting happens."
    - Helen Seinfeld, in "The Cadillac"
    "You know, you could put a fence around these condos and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!"
    - Jerry, in "The Cadillac"
    "Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?"
    "That's your boyfriend."
    "What does he do?"
    "He's an importer."
    "Just imports? No exports?"
    "He's an importer-exporter. Okay?"
    - Elaine and George, working on his alibi, in "The Cadillac"
    "Are you having an affair with Elaine?"
    - Susan, not believing George's story, in "The Cadillac"
    "Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?"
    "By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five."
    - Jerry and Mort Seinfeld, in "The Cadillac"
    "I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a couple of bucks, I'll tell you that!"
    - Jerry, in "The Cadillac"
    "So, tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald and so quirky and funny... how is it you're not taken?"
    - Marisa Tomei, to George, in "The Cadillac"
    "So, what does he import?"
    "Uh, chips."
    "Oh. What kind of chips?"
    "Some corn."
    "And what does he export?"
    - Susan and Elaine, discussing Art Vandelay, in "The Cadillac"
  • The Pen
    "I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine."
    - Morty Seinfeld, in "The Pen"
    "Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends."
    "He's an idealist."
    - Morty and Helen, about Jerry, in "The Pen"
    "What kind of pen is that?"
    "This pen?"
    "This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space."
    - Jerry and Jack Klompus, in "The Pen"
    "Come on, take the pen!"
    "I can't take it."
    "Do me a personal favor!"
    "No, I'm not..."
    "Take the pen!"
    "I cannot take it!"
    "Take the pen!"
    "Are you sure?"
    "Positive! Take the pen!"
    "Okay. Thank you very much."
    - Jack and Jerry, in "The Pen"
    "If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it."
    "He didn't think you'd accept."
    "Well, he was wrong."
    - Jerry and Helen, in "The Pen"
    "It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Pen"
    "I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule."
    - Jerry, in "The Pen"
    "It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Pen"
    "You're going underwater?"
    "Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done."
    "What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?"
    "What's so special up here?"
    - Helen and Jerry, in "The Pen"
    "Mrs. Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on."
    "You're hot?"
    "I've lost six pounds."
    "I don't even know how to work it."
    - Elaine and Helen, in "The Pen"
    "What is going on in this community? Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?!"
    - Jerry, to his parents, in "The Pen"
    "Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you."
    - Uncle Leo, to Jerry, in "The Pen"
    - Elaine, doing her best drug-induced Brando impression after meeting Jerry's Aunt Stella, in "The Pen"
  • The Andrea Dorea
    "So, it's a two-bedroom one-bath make-your-friends-hate-ya?"
    - Jerry, about George's new apartment, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "They like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."
    - Jerry, about Elaine's blind date, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "Did you find out who stabbed him?"
    "Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend."
    "Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore."
    "Well, I don't know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it's kind of a compliment."
    "Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line. Plus, they botched my vasectomy."
    "They botched it?"
    "I'm even more potent now!"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "Hawaii... The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to lick the stamps."
    - Newman, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "He's a bad breaker-upper."
    "Bad how?"
    "Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "Ahoy, Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria."
    "Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal."
    "I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?"
    "We had to abandon ship."
    "Well, all vacations have to end eventually."
    "The boat sank."
    "According to this, it took ten hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath, no offense."
    - George and Mr. Eldridge, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "You've got a big head. It's too big for your body."
    - Alan, to Elaine, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "Even if he did suffer, that was, like, forty years ago! What has he been doing lately? I've been suffering for the past thirty years up to and including yesterday!"
    - George, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home. My home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys."
    - Jerry, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "Just crease, crumple, cram. You'll do fine."
    - Newman, giving Jerry advice on mail delivery, in "The Andrea Doria"
    "A bird ran into my giant freak-head."
    "What giant freak-head?"
    "The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body. I'm a walking candy apple!"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Andrea Doria"
  • The Busboy
    "Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute."
    "That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Busboy"
    "When the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily."
    - Jerry, about Elaine's new friend, in "The Busboy"
    "I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews."
    "Oh, like you really know busboys."
    "Oh, like you do."
    "Hey, at least I was a camp waiter."
    "It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Busboy"
    "Try not to say too much."
    "What am I gonna say?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, I'm not an idiot."
    "Certainly not."
    "Then we're cool."
    - George and Kramer, in "The Busboy"
    "Cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later. You never know. They've got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you've gotta worry about."
    - Kramer, in "The Busboy"
    "If I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me."
    - Elaine, in "The Busboy"
    "Anywhere in the city?"
    "Anywhere in the city. I'll tell you the best public toilet."
    "Okay. Fifty-Fourth and Sixth."
    "Sperry Rand Building. Fourteenth floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name, she'll give you the key."
    "Alright. Sixty-Fifth and Tenth."
    "Are you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Busboy"
    "I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there. And then, I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this... I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs."
    - Elaine, in "The Busboy"
  • The Hot Tub
    "When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy."
    - George, in "The Hot Tub"
    "How do you oversleep at the Olympics?"
    "Oh, I know. I know."
    "I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, six alarm clocks, paying off little kids in the village to come banging on your door."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Hot Tub"
    "Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock."
    - Jerry, in "The Hot Tub"
    "I can't come up with anything for this thing."
    "Ah... catalog writer's block?"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Hot Tub"
    "Hey, you bastards."
    "Hey, how was the meeting?"
    "I really like those sons of bitches."
    "Sons of bitches?"
    "Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Hot Tub"
    "Jerry, look how tense you are. You need to take a soak."
    "I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria vat you got goin' there."
    "Come on, I'm telling you, it's great. I opened up all the windows. The air is cold, the tub is boiling hot. It's like Sweden, man. Sweden!"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Hot Tub"
    "What happened to your mental alarm?"
    "I guess I hit the snooze."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Hot Tub"
    "We all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George. I used to be like you. Berating personnel until they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George... Hot Tub!"
    - George Steinbrenner, in "The Hot Tub"
  • The Boyfriend
    "I have to dribble. If I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker."
    "Oh, I'm a chucker."
    "That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot."
    "I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker. I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!"
    - Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
    "I snuck a peak."
    - Kramer, to Jerry and George, after they showered at the gym, in "The Boyfriend"
    "I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have."
    - Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
    "I'd love to be a Civil War buff. What do you have to do to be a buff?"
    "So Biff wants to be a buff? Well, sleeping less than eighteen hours a day would be a start."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
    "Jerry, he's a guy."
    - Elaine to Jerry, who is concerned about making a good impression on his new friend Keith Hernandez, in "The Boyfriend"
    "I got a gum guy!"
    - George, to unemployment office worker, in "The Boyfriend"
    "You've got to see the baby! When are you going to see the baby? Can't they just send us a tape?"
    - Elaine, in "The Boyfriend"
    "Something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way from that day forward."
    - Newman, in "The Boyfriend"
    "That must've been one magic loogie."
    - Jerry, during a reenactment of the spitting incident with Kramer and
    Newman, in "The Boyfriend"
    "I'm Vandelay Industries?"
    "And what is that?"
    "You're in latex."
    "Latex? And what do I do with latex?"
    "You manufacture it."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Boyfriend"
    "What kind of a shake does he have?"
    "Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard. You know, doesn't
    have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there."
    - George and Jerry, talking about Keith Hernandez, in "The Boyfriend"
    "Vandelay Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you?"
    - Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
    "Vandelay! Say Vandelay!"
    - George, running from the bathroom after Kramer answers Jerry's phone, in "The Boyfriend"
    "And you want to be my latex salesman."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Boyfriend"
    "Elaine, you don't know the first thing about first base."
    "Well, I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll never be there."
    "The way I figure it I've already been there, and I plan on rounding second tonight at around eleven o'clock."
    "Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you because I don't think he's waving you in."
    - Keith and Elaine, in "The Boyfriend"
    "I would really like to have sex with a tall woman."
    - George, in "The Boyfriend"
    "Magellan? You like Magellan?"
    "Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world, come on. Who do you like?"
    "I like DeSoto."
    "DeSoto? What did he do?"
    "Discovered the Mississippi."
    "Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
  • The Soup Nazi
    "You're a shmoopy."
    "You're a shmoopy."
    - Sheila and Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle."
    - Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "The guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi."
    "Why? What happens if you don't order right?"
    "He yells and you don't get your soup."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments."
    - Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "He gave you the nice face discount."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread."
    "Bread, two dollars extra."
    "Two dollars? But everyone in front of me got free bread."
    "You want bread?"
    "Yes, please."
    "Three dollars!"
    "No soup for you!"
    - George and the Soup Nazi, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "Why can't we share?"
    "I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you."
    "Do you hear yourself?"
    "I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are."
    - Kramer, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "Shhh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode."
    - George, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "You're pushing your luck, little man."
    - The Soup Nazi, to George, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent Of A Woman? Hoo-wah! Hoo-wah!"
    "Very good. Very good."
    "Well, I ..."
    "You know something?"
    "No soup for you!"
    "Come back one year. Next!"
    - Elaine and the Soup Nazi, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "Street toughs took my armoire?"
    - Elaine, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?"
    "It was a bisque."
    "Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody."
    - Elaine, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "You are the only one who understands me."
    "You suffer for your soup."
    - The Soup Nazi and Kramer, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "Well, behind every joke there's some truth."
    "What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says, 'Ah, I'll just have some coffee.' There's no truth to that."
    - Sheila and Jerry, in "The Soup Nazi"
    "You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!"
    - Elaine, in "The Soup Nazi"
  • The Doodle
    "Oh man, did you see that? I ate discarded food!"
    "Well, I've done that."
    "Yeah, but with you it's intentional."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Doodle"
    "I'm grotesque. I look like a troll."
    - George, about the doodle, in "The Doodle"
    "I want you to find out if she likes me."
    "Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?"
    - George and Elaine, in "The Doodle"
    "It's like having a circus in my mouth."
    - Kramer, eating Mackinaw peaches, in "The Doodle"
    "I used to have fleas."
    "What did you do about them?"
    "What do you mean?"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Doodle"
    "When he's dead he'll be relieved."
    - Jerry, about George, in "The Doodle"
    "She said looks aren't that important to her."
    - Elaine, to George, in "The Doodle"
    "See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them."
    - Jerry, in "The Doodle"
    "The point, George, is she likes you."
    "Oh, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking."
    - Elaine and George, in "The Doodle"
    "I know the chunky that left these Chunkies! Newman!"
    - Jerry, in "The Doodle"
    "So you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor."
    - Newman, to Jerry, in "The Doodle"
    "You could drape yourself in velvet for all I care."
    - Paula, to George, in "The Doodle"
    "Well, it's a story of love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm."
    - Kramer, describing the book he read, in "The Doodle"
    "I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over!"
    "And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Doodle"
  • The Doorman
    "It was like my own personal Crying Game."
    - George, after seeing his father's breasts, in "The Doorman"
    "Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?"
    - Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Doorman"
    "You want me to wear a bra?"
    "No, no, a bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro!"
    - Frank and Kramer, in "The Doorman"
    "Bro's no good. Too ethnic."
    "You got something better?"
    "How about the Mansiere?"
    "That's right. A brassiere for a man."
    - Frank and Kramer, in "The Doorman"
    "He's a comedian, Mrs. Payton. They don't know how to do anything."
    - Elaine, about Jerry, in "The Doorman"
    "I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies."
    - Jerry, in "The Doorman"
    "Say you're getting intimate with a woman, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there. I think we've all experienced that."
    - Kramer, in "The Doorman"
    "You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch?!"
    "No no no, the cushion was turned over."
    "But the very idea. You had me lying in urine."
    - Frank and George, in "The Doorman"
    "I lived with him for forty years, I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house he turns into J. Edgar Hoover!"
    - Estelle, after seeing Frank trying on the Bro, in "The Doorman"
    "You're not having dinner with a bra salesman!"
    "He only sells them, he doesn't wear them."
    - Frank and Estelle, in "The Doorman"
  • The Maid
    "Well, Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can go with George Costanza."
    "Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?"
    "The nickname... George, what is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up."
    "You mean like Liza!"
    "I was thinking T-Bone."
    "But there's no T in your name. What about G-Bone?"
    "There's no G-Bone."
    "There's a G-Spot."
    "That's a myth."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Maid"
    "Are you sure you don't have one, because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen."
    "Then maybe you have a fax machine."
    "You just blew my mind."
    - Kramer and Elaine, in "The Maid"
    "There's nothing more sophisticated than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Maid"
    "Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic."
    "You know, I could've killed you and no one would've known."
    "I could've killed you and no one would've known."
    - Phone repairman and Elaine, in "The Maid"
    "You're sleeping with the maid?"
    "I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Maid"
    "Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make. From now on, I will be known as..."
    "Koko the monkey."
    - George and Kruger, in "The Maid"
    "What did I just pay for?"
    "Uh-oh, you're a John."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Maid"
    "What a nightmare it must be to have a real family."
    - Elaine, in "The Maid"
    "What street are you on?"
    "I'm on First and First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!"
    - Jerry and a lost Kramer, in "The Maid"
  • The Dog
    "You have any pets?"
    "Just my next-door neighbor."
    - Gavin and Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "I'm telling you, the guy's a drunk. He's probably on a bender."
    "What is a bender anyhow?"
    "I don't know. They drink and they bend things at the bar."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dog"
    "Two-hundred seats on a plane and I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo!"
    - Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!"
    - Jerry, to Farfel the dog, in "The Dog"
    "You're breaking up?"
    "Oh yeah! The sooner the better. I can't wait to do it. You know how there's some people you worry about whether or not you're gonna hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. Boy, I'd like to get it on video. Watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it!"
    - Kramer, in "The Dog"
    "I relate to George through you. We're more like friends-in-law."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "I must've been out of my mind! Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? I wouldn't respect myself."
    - Kramer, to Ellen, in "The Dog"
    "That's it Farfel. Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys, buddy boy. You're checking out!"
    - Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them for a week and then if no one claims them, they kill 'em."
    "Really? How late are they open?"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit."
    - Elaine, about Ellen, in "The Dog"
    "Isn't it more fun using the urinal?"
    - George, to Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire."
    - Jerry, in "The Dog"
    "You'd better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg!"
    - Elaine, to Gavin, in "The Dog"
    "I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about."
    - Elaine, about George, in "The Dog"
  • The Fusilli Jerry
    "Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter's obviously impossible, the former still applies."
    - Jerry, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "All those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their big muscular arms on machines and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is."
    - Elaine, being sarcastic to Jerry, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "I think we really need to be in front of the television set. You take TV out of this relationship, it is just torture."
    - George, to his mother Estelle, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "I'm out there, George."
    "You're not out there."
    "I am too."
    "You're not out there. You can't be because I am out there. And if I see you out there there's not enough voltage in this world to electro-shock me back into coherence."
    - George and Estelle, who is dating again, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "We were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high testosterone area."
    - Jerry, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "Give me a moan, something. I'd settle for a belch, for God's sake."
    - George, about pleasuring his girlfriend, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "It's Fusilli Jerry! It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?"
    "When did you do this?"
    "In my spare time. You know, I'm working on one of you George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual."
    "Why fusilli?"
    "Because you're silly. Get it?"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!"
    - Kramer, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "Have you ever met a proctologist? They usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never. It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way... 'It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one.' "
    - Kramer, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
    "You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex."
    - Jerry, in "The Fusilli Jerry"
  • The Merv Griffin Show
    "Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?"
    "Of course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "There's this creepy new guy at work. He just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you."
    "So he just sidles up."
    "That's right. He's a real sidler."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "It's the Merv Griffin set."
    "How did you get this in here?"
    "You just bring it in sideways and hook it."
    "So where are you gonna sleep?"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "I am going to sidle the sidler."
    "You sidle? You stomp around like a Clydesdale."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "I don't get these birds. They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me."
    "So they're like everyone else."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "Wait a minute. You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?"
    - Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business. But when you're on my set, you clean it up mister!"
    - Kramer, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "We need a new format. We should shut down and retool."
    "What about a guest host?"
    "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
    - Kramer and Newman, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "Maybe it'll be fun having a pet?"
    "It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid. And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep."
    - George, about the squirrel he has to care for, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
    "Where are the cameras?"
    - Jim Fowler, appearing on Kramer's set, in "The Merv Griffin Show"
  • The Cartoon
    "Some people should just give up. I have."
    "What did you want to be?"
    "I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Cartoon"
    "Hey Kramer."
    "Hey, you got some messages. Yeah, uh... George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine... Newman, but that was a crank call."
    - Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Cartoon"
    "She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route. Years of rejection and failure until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry."
    - Jerry, in "The Cartoon"
    "You know what woman I always thought you looked like? Lena Horne."
    - Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Cartoon"
    "And you must... look exactly like Jerry."
    - Kramer, to George's new girlfriend Janet, in "The Cartoon"
    "C'mon George, relax. Just because they look alike that doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry."
    - Kramer, in "The Cartoon"
    "What do I need to talk for, huh? What, to blab to the neighbors about how George has a new femme Jerry friend? To tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend? See now, I've done all that. Now it's time for silence."
    "Silence, yes!"
    - Kramer and George, in "The Cartoon"
    "He said I could submit some of my own cartoons."
    "Wow, that's incredible. But you don't draw."
    "I do too."
    "What, your sad little horsies? The house with the little curl of smoke? The sunflower with the smiley face. The transparent cube."
    "It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane."
    "Where did you see that?" Those are private!"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Cartoon"
    "It's so great to see a show that's about something."
    - Newman, in "The Cartoon"
    "Everything with you has to be so jokey."
    "I'm a comedian."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Cartoon"
    "I like gum."
    "I do too. You see, that's what we're about. You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum."
    - Janet and George, in "The Cartoon"
    "You ripped off a Ziggy?"
    "It must've seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has Ziggy bedsheets."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Cartoon"
  • The Dealership
    "First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep... Suddenly you're on your back like a turtle."
    - George, about car salespeople, in "The Dealership"
    "So Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more 'grease monkey.'"
    "I don't care for that term."
    "Oh sorry, I didn't know."
    "I don't know too many monkeys that can take apart a fuel injector."
    - Jerry and Puddy, in "The Dealership"
    "Hey Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?"
    "The squinting?"
    "The staring?"
    "No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five."
    "I thought all guys do that."
    "Slapping hands is the lowest form of primate ritual."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dealership"
    "What do you think the Nazis were doing? That was the Heil-five."
    "Isn't that from your act, like ten years ago?"
    "It was a good bit in the eighties and it's still relatable today."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dealership"
    "I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie."
    - George, in "The Dealership"
    "You are one sick momma. I like it!"
    - Kramer, to a car salesman, in "The Dealership"
  • The Pilot
    "Again with the sweatpants?"
    "What? I'm comfortable."
    "You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Pilot"
    "God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy."
    "I thought you didn't believe in God?"
    "I do for the bad things."
    - George and his therapist, in "The Pilot"
    "It's like a bald convention out there."
    - Melissa, commenting on all the actors auditioning for the role of George, in "The Pilot"
    "Did he just steal the raisins?"
    - George, about TV Kramer, in "The Pilot"
    "I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity."
    - George, in "The Pilot"
    "It was an emergency, Jerry. I was really percolating."
    - Kramer, after trying to find a bathroom, in "The Pilot"
    "Now I've got a big problem, buddy."
    "What is it?"
    "Well, I, uh, I waited so long, I missed my chance."
    "You didn't go?"
    "No, and now I can't get it back."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Pilot"
    "What is she like? Tell me about her."
    "Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty."
    - TV Elaine and Jerry, on the real Elaine, in "The Pilot"
    "So if you've got any other problems, whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dry fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, okay?"
    - TV Kramer, to George, in "The Pilot"
    "It may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus."
    - Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Pilot"
    "Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh."
    "How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?"
    - George and TV Kramer, in "The Pilot"
    "You went for the big E, huh?"
    "Wet and wild!"
    - Jerry and Kramer, after he used the dreaded apparatus, in "The Pilot"
    "How could anyone not like him?"
    - Jerry's mom, about Jerry, in "The Pilot"
    "I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance."
    "But he picks his nose."
    - Calvin Klein and Tia, about Jerry, in "The Pilot"
  • The Suicide
    "If you named a kid Rasputin, do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?"
    - Jerry, in "The Suicide"
    "I wonder what Gandhi ate before his fasts?"
    "I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Oh yeah, Gandhi loved Triscuits."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
    "What kind of a man are you?"
    "I'm a man who respects a good coma."
    - Gina and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
    "I don't get that whole suicide machine. There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?"
    - Jerry, in "The Suicide"
    "The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?"
    "I didn't know what the coma etiquette was."
    "There is no coma etiquette. See, that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn't matter what you do around it."
    "So you're saying his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim."
    "I give them twenty-four hours to get out of it. If they can't get out of it by twenty-four hours, it's a land rush."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
    "A plane crash? A heart attack? Lupus? Is it lupus?"
    - George, after a psychic's vague warning, in "The Suicide"
    "You can say what you want about me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush."
    - Jerry, to Gina, in "The Suicide"
    "You are still afraid? You are not a man."
    "Well, then what are all those ties and sports jackets doing in my closet?"
    - Gina and Jerry, in "The Suicide"
    "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing."
    - Kramer, in "The Suicide"
  • The Blood
    "If I'm out on the street and it starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished."
    - Kramer, in "The Blood"
    "I couldn't raise a kid? C'mon, I love bossing people around."
    - Elaine, in "The Blood"
    "Food and sex. Those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them."
    "Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman. Not a man and a sandwich."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Blood"
    "If even one corpuscle of that blood should find its way across that hall, I will freak out on you. Freak out!"
    "You know, for a fat guy you're not very jolly."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Blood"
    "Is this about me?"
    "Well, then I've lost interest."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Blood"
    "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood."
    - Kramer, in "The Blood"
    "You've got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy!"
    - Kramer, to Jerry who received a blood transfusion, in "The Blood"
    "I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood."
    - Jerry, in "The Blood"
    "So, how's the fornicating gourmet?"
    "Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Blood"
    "Why are you calling my parents?"
    "Well, maybe if you called more often I wouldn't have to."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Blood"
  • The Truth
    "I don't even pay taxes."
    "Yeah, that's easy when you have no income."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Truth"
    "That's karma."
    "No, that's Kramer."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Truth"
    "It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination."
    - Jerry, talking about his upcoming audit, in "The Truth"
    "My whole life has been a complete waste of time."
    "And there's so much more to go."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Truth"
    "Kramer saw me naked."
    "Well, you know, it was an accident."
    "Who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking? I want to know!"
    "I thought it was the closet."
    - Elaine and Kramer, in "The Truth"
    "I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution."
    - George, in "The Truth"
    "I should be in a place like this."
    - George, visiting the mental institution, in "The Truth"
    "I say stupid things all the time. I can't go two minutes without saying something stupid."
    - George, in "The Truth"
  • The Wizard
    "I've been lying about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."
    - George, in "The Wizard"
    "Boys, I'm retiring."
    "From what?"
    "From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I've accomplished everything I've set out to do."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Wizard"
    "Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die."
    - Jerry, discovering Kramer has moved to a retirement community in Florida, in "The Wizard"
    "You feed him, he'll never leave."
    - Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Wizard"
    "So Kramer's running for president of the condo?"
    "Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes."
    "Who are they running against?"
    "Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Wizard"
    "I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first."
    "Haven't you done enough to these people?"
    - George and Elaine, in "The Wizard"
    "And I have horses too."
    "What are their names?"
    "Snoopy and Prickly Pete."
    - George and Mr. Ross, in "The Wizard"
    "How could you spend $200 on a tip calculator?!"
    - Morty Seinfeld, to Jerry, in "The Wizard"
  • The Strongbox
    "You were in the Army?"
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Strongbox"
    "Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?"
    - Jerry, about Elaine's new boyfriend, in "The Strongbox"
    "Apparently I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt."
    - George, having trouble ending a relationship, in "The Strongbox"
    "We found out his super power was lack of money."
    "He's invulnerable to creditors."
    - Jerry and Elaine, about her boyfriend, in "The Strongbox"
    "She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth I'll break under the cross."
    - George, about Maura, in "The Strongbox"
    "You're the bearclaw in the garbage bag of my life."
    - Glenn, dumpster diving with Elaine, in "The Strongbox"
    "Man's Best Friend... Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone."
    - Kramer, reading stones in the pet cemetery, in "The Strongbox"
  • The Apology
    "It's like you're living in the Playboy Mansion! Did she frolic?"
    "I don't really have enough room."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Apology"
    "You went to the coffee shop without me? I told you I just wanted to hop in the shower."
    "That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?"
    "Showering. How long's it take you?"
    "Ten minutes."
    "Ten minutes? That's kooky talk."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Apology"
    "Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I could make some changes. Wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just focus!"
    - Kramer, in "The Apology"
    "So she coughed."
    "Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man."
    "Everything goes with naked."
    "When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."
    "You spoiled spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?"
    "But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Apology"
    "You're probably wasting time working piece-meal, first cleaning one area and then another."
    "Well, that's how cats do it."
    "But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Apology"
    "Alright George, alright. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal size neckhole of my finely knit sweater."
    - Henke, in "The Apology"
    "Oh yeah yeah, I'm watching you too, but this guy's really showing me something."
    - Kramer, observing men in a gym shower, in "The Apology"
    "This is all in her mind, okay? She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah... She's a whacko."
    - Elaine, in "The Apology"
    "Instead of an apology, he was be-boppin' and scattin' all over me."
    - George, about Henke, in "The Apology"
    "I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge."
    - George, at a Rage-aholics meeting, in "The Apology"
    "He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?"
    "Probably because this whole universe is against me!"
    "I think you've got a little rage."
    "I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Apology"
    "What is wrong with my body?"
    "Chicken wing shoulder blades."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Apology"
    "The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep."
    - Elaine, in "The Apology"
    "This food was in the shower with you?"
    "Mmm hmm... I prepared it as I bathed."
    - Elaine and Kramer, in "The Apology"
  • The Good Samaritan
    "Hey buddy, where's my thank you wave?!"
    - Jerry, after letting a car merge in front of him, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "I'm speechless. Speechless! I have no speech."
    - George, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "You know they're mentally disturbed. They should be sent to Australia."
    - Kramer, about hit-and-run drivers, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special."
    - George, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "I said 'God bless you.' Was that so wrong?"
    "The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you,' because as the husband he has the right to first refusal."
    "Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this. Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs."
    "No argument. Unless she's one of these multiple sneezers and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance until she completes the series."
    "Well, I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later and it was also a single."
    "What if she's having an off night?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you.' You should say 'You're so good looking!'"
    - Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "Oh my god. An affair. It's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money."
    - George, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "I actually owe it to society to do something about this. I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is."
    "You can't compromise your principles."
    "How am I going to live with myself?"
    "Can't live."
    "I'm not religious but I certainly know where to draw the line."
    "This country needs more people like you."
    "Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry at great personal risk."
    "I believe strongly in that as you know."
    "There should be more people like us."
    "That's why the world's in the shape that it's in."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "You tell anybody anything and I will carve my initials in your brain dish. I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head."
    - Angela, to Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth."
    - Angela, making one more threat to Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "How hard is it to lie?"
    "It's not that hard."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
    "Well, I'm happy to help in any way that I can."
    - Jerry, in "The Good Samaritan"
  • The Bookstore
    "Boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York."
    "Yes, the city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Bookstore"
    "If it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books."
    - George, in "The Bookstore"
    "We made out at the table like our plane was going down."
    - Elaine, in "The Bookstore"
    "To the idiot-mobile!"
    - Jerry, to Kramer and Newman, in "The Bookstore"
    "That book has been on a wild ride."
    - Jerry, about the book George took into the bathroom, in "The Bookstore"
    "We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans. Or his... other bag of cans."
    - Kramer, after a homeless man stole his rickshaw, in "The Bookstore"
    "I even got an idea out of it... The Detox Pancho."
    - Elaine, after helping a co-worker through withdrawals, in "The Bookstore"
  • The Handicap Spot
    "Is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?"
    "We don't walk that fast."
    - George and Elaine, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "You like the Drake?"
    "I love the Drake. I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "Isosceles. You know, I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
    - Kramer, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "Got to love the Drake!"
    - Elaine, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "I'm really happy for them."
    "Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them. I mean, I'm glad their happy, but frankly it doesn't do anything for me."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking."
    - Kramer, about Elizabeth, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped."
    - Salesman, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the Drake. Hate the Drake!"
    - Jerry, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo."
    "I could see that."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Handicap Spot"
    "Am I a hipster-doofus?"
    - Kramer, in "The Handicap Spot"
  • The Slicer
    "This Kruger guy is clueless. I can't wait to work for him."
    - George, in "The Slicer"
    "I haven't had a decent sandwich in thirteen years."
    - Kramer, in "The Slicer"
    "Do you have any idea what it feels like to save someone's life?"
    "Is it anything like hitting a homer in softball?"
    - Dr. Sara and Jerry, in "The Slicer"
    "How was the doctor date?"
    "It died on the table."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Slicer"
    "Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter."
    "Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor."
    "Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Slicer"
    "You call yourself life saver, I call you Pimple-Popper, M.D."
    - Jerry, to Dr. Sara, in "The Slicer"
    "I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them."
    "How'd you know you cut it?"
    "Well, I guess I just assumed."
    - Kramer and Elaine, about his new meat slicer, in "The Slicer"
    "Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin."
    - Kramer, in "The Slicer"
  • The Package
    "I was looking at my chart and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?"
    "They've gotten to know you."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Package"
    "Oh come on, I'm not difficult. I'm easy."
    - Elaine, in "The Package"
    "Who's going to bomb you? An airline? For all the stupid little peanut jokes?"
    "Oh, I suppose you think you're bombable."
    "There's a couple of people who wouldn't mind having me out of the way."
    "There's more than a couple."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Package"
    "It's the timeless art of seduction."
    - Kramer, in "The Package"
    "Oh yeah, I like this idea."
    - Jerry, to another of Kramer's schemes, in "The Package"
    "It's a write-off for them."
    "How is it a write-off?"
    "They just write it off."
    "Write it off what?"
    "Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything."
    "You don't even know what a write-off is."
    "Do you?"
    "No, I don't."
    "But they do. And they're the ones writing it off."
    "I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Package"
  • The Shoes
    "I don't know. What do women say?"
    "I don't know."
    "I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Shoes"
    "I have never condoned snubbing in my administration. But your loyalty is beyond question."
    "Well, she's lucky I was in a good mood. Could've been a lot worse."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Shoes"
    "We couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something. I have no idea what it is."
    "You have no idea?"
    "Something derogatory."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Shoes"
    "George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going to have to learn how to deal with criticism."
    "How's this for criticism... Ummm... You stink. How do you like that criticism?"
    - Therapist and George, in "The Shoes"
    "I understand women. The snub is good. They love the snub."
    - Kramer, in "The Shoes"
    "Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?"
    - Elaine, in "The Shoes"
    "Divorce is very difficult, especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know."
    - George, in "The Shoes"
    "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."
    - Jerry, in "The Shoes"
    "We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head."
    - Jerry, on men, in "The Shoes"
  • The Chicken Roaster
    "She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on."
    "Ah. Too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing going on."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Chicken Roaster"
    "I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times. You're humming it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'Buy Mennen!'"
    - George, in "The Chicken Roaster"
    "Why don't we just switch apartments?"
    "Or I could sleep in the park."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Chicken Roaster"
    "Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce."
    - Jerry, in "The Chicken Roaster"
    "The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers. He's hooked on this chicken, isn't he?"
    - Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Chicken Roaster"
    "Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?"
    - Jerry, trying to sleep in Kramer's apartment, in "The Chicken Roaster"
    "This is the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover of our last catalog."
    "The horror! The horror!"
    - Elaine and Mr. Peterman, in "The Chicken Roaster"
  • The Checks
    "That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the Super Terrific Happy Hour."
    "Oh, Super Terrific!"
    "Yeah, that's him."
    "What is he doing?"
    "Well, I don't know, but something Super Terrific, I'm sure."
    - Kramer and a Japanese tourist, talking about Jerry, in "The Checks"
    "Everybody laughs at Jerry here in America."
    - Kramer, in "The Checks"
    "What's with the claw?"
    "Super Terrific Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Checks"
    "So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?"
    "They could've at least tried."
    "You know, maybe they thought you look too smart to be brainwashed."
    "Too dumb?"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Checks"
    "Here you're just another apple. But in Japan, you're an erotic fruit. Like an orange, which is rare there."
    - Kramer, talking to Jerry, in "The Checks"
    "You have them sleeping in drawers?"
    "Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home."
    "This has international incident written all over it."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Checks"
    "That's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running."
    - Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Checks"
    "I'm running out of guys here in this city, Jerry."
    - Elaine, in "The Checks"
  • The Comeback
    "The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
    - George, in "The Comeback"
    "It went straight to video. That makes me the premiere."
    - Kramer, in "The Comeback"
    "I don't want to be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out."
    - Kramer, in "The Comeback"
    "I'm going with jerk store. Jerk store is the line. Jerk store!"
    - George, in "The Comeback"
    "You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats."
    - Kramer, about Elaine, in "The Comeback"
    "Yank it like you're starting a mower."
    - Elaine, on turning off a life support system, in "The Comeback"
    "We only wake you up for the important meetings."
    - Yankee exec, to George, in "The Comeback"
    "Jerk store would've smoked that guy!"
    - George, in "The Comeback"
    "I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma."
    "I didn't know it was possible to not know that."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Comeback"
    "It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And I'm not going to dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!"
    - George, about his comeback line, in "The Comeback"
    "You know, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."
    "Oh yeah, Riley? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you!"
    "What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."
    - Riley and George, in "The Comeback"
  • The Virgin
    "I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?"
    "It depends."
    "Depends on what?"
    "On many factors."
    "Like what?"
    "Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?"
    "No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week."
    "What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?"
    "She got anything in your medicine cabinet?"
    "Might be some moisturizer."
    "Let me ask you this... Is there any Tampax in your house?"
    "Well, I'll tell you what you got here. You've got yourself a girlfriend."
    "Do you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question 'What do you do?' and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get girlfriends, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Virgin"
    "She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!"
    "This is your plan?"
    "No, no, I'm just thinking."
    "I don't think you are."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Virgin"
    "Are you very fussy about your pants?"
    "I don't think I am."
    - Marla and Jerry, in "The Virgin"
    "Why don't you go out. It's nice out."
    "Oh no, there's nothing out there for me."
    "There's weather."
    "Weather. I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Virgin"
    "What? Was it something I said?"
    "She's a virgin. She just told me."
    "I didn't know."
    "Well, it's not like spotting a toupee."
    - Elaine and Jerry, about Marla, in "The Virgin"
    "They always remember the first time."
    "I don't want to be remembered. I want to be forgotten."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Virgin"
    "I don't want a big flat noodle."
    - Kramer, ordering Chinese food, in "The Virgin"
    "This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, the one thing you gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality. It's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there."
    "So they just leave?"
    "Yeah, pretty much. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. It's always about being up early. They all turn into farmers suddenly."
    - Elaine and Marla, in "The Virgin"
    "Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star."
    - Jerry, about George, in "The Virgin"
    "Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in!"
    - George, in "The Virgin"
  • The Opera
    "Jerry, Joe Davola. I have a hair on my tongue. Can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? Of course you do. You put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC. Put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before. And I will kibosh again."
    - Crazy Joe Davola, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Opera"
    "I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it."
    - Jerry, in "The Opera"
    "You left your door open."
    "I know. I like to encourage intruders."
    - Elaine and Joe Davola, in "The Opera"
    "But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. Well, so what? What's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States. And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure."
    - Jerry, to a police officer, in "The Opera"
    "I thought you said people dressed up when they go to the opera?"
    "People do. I don't."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Opera"
    "We're friends. If I'm going to be uncomfortable, you gotta be uncomfortable too!"
    - George, to Jerry, in "The Opera"
    "You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?"
    "Cherry Binaca. It's new."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Opera"
    "That is one angry clown."
    - Jerry, in "The Opera"
    "You know, it is so sad. All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Opera"
  • The Pitch
    "What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?"
    "I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffel bags?"
    "Everything with you comes down to toilet paper."
    "That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?"
    "Alright, then what did they do?"
    "I don't know. Maybe they gave out big loose clumps to all the soldiers."
    "I think it would be nice if there was some sort of historical record of it."
    "Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper during the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
    "They want you to do a TV show?"
    "Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I don't have any ideas."
    "C'mon, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
    "Salsa is now the number one condiment in America."
    "Do you know why? Because people like to say 'Salsa!'"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
    "It's about nothing."
    - George, on his idea for Jerry's TV show, in "The Pitch"
    "I think you may have something here."
    - Jerry, on George's idea, in "The Pitch"
    "You better think again, Mojambo!"
    - Kramer, in "The Pitch"
    "Well, why am I watching it?"
    "Because it's on TV."
    "Not yet."
    - Russell and George, in "The Pitch"
    "Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Pitch"
    "You really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once-a-week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you like the way they did with the elephant man. That's what I'm talking about, because that's the only way you're going to get better."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Pitch"
    "Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?"
    "Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later."
    "Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that."
    "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
    "Well, now you know how I feel."
    - Telemarketer and Jerry, in "The Pitch"
  • The Bizzaro Jerry
    "Why would anybody want a friend?"
    - Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "Women like that are like members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years."
    - George, about beautiful women, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "You know what they say, 'You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.'"
    - Kramer, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "She had man-hands!"
    - Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?"
    "Would she have hooks?"
    "Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?"
    "Kinda cool looking."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been drifting aimlessly."
    "Now that you mention it."
    "But I've finally realized what's missing in my life... Structure!"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "She wants me to dress smart-casual. What is that?"
    "I don't know, but you don't have it."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "He's reliable. He's considerate. He's like your exact opposite."
    "So he's Bizarro Jerry."
    "Bizarro Jerry?"
    "Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives."
    "Shouldn't he say badbye? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?"
    "No, it's still goodbye."
    "Does he live underwater?"
    "Is he black?"
    "Look, just forget the whole thing."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutia of every single daily event."
    - Elaine, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
    "What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?"
    "Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks."
    "Well, I've been having trouble at home and, uh, I'll work harder. Nights, weekends, whatever it takes."
    "No, no, I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be."
    "Well, I'm just trying to get ahead."
    "I'm sorry, there's just no way that we can keep you on."
    "I don't even really work here."
    "That's what makes this so difficult."
    - Kramer and Mr. Leland, in "The Bizarro Jerry"
  • The Foundation
    "It's time for George to start being George again."
    - George, in "The Foundation"
    "Karate. It's a lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony."
    "But with punching and kicking."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Foundation"
    "You've never felt remorse."
    "I know. I feel bad about that."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Foundation"
    "My neck is one gargantuan monkey fist."
    - Mr. Peterman, in "The Foundation"
    "It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children."
    "Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do."
    - Mr. Ross and George, in "The Foundation"
    "I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."
    "Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Foundation"
    "Between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus. But, he believed in me. You did not. So, as I see it, he's not the doofus. You are the doofus."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Foundation"
  • The Little Kicks
    "You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction."
    "Well, then you're driving me wild."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Little Kicks"
    "It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music."
    - George, on Elaine's dancing style, in "The Little Kicks"
    "During that period when my folks were separated, he went a little crazy."
    "Not a very long trip."
    - George and Jerry, about George's dad, in "The Little Kicks"
    "I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
    "You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend."
    "Yes. Yes, yes."
    "The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk."
    "Okay, the point is made."
    "The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen. The bad tipper!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Little Kicks"
    "You saying you want a piece of me?"
    "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
    "You want a piece of me?! You got it!"
    - Frank Costanza and Elaine, in "The Little Kicks"
    "He wrote the check and I cashed it."
    - Elaine, after her fight with Frank, in "The Little Kicks"
  • The Letter
    "I like the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's a mink trap down there."
    - Jerry, in "The Letter"
    "I don't get art."
    "There's nothing to get."
    "No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Letter"
    "Are you an art lover?"
    "I'm an art adorer!"
    - Nina and George, in "The Letter"
    "I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world."
    "I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
    "His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
    "He is a loathesome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
    "He transcends time and space."
    "He sickens me."
    "I love it."
    "Me too."
    - An elderly art loving couple, admiring the painting of Kramer, in "The Letter"
    "I love a good posse."
    "What's the appeal of the posse?"
    "The appeal of the posse? Posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, you camp out, you're with friends. I mean, come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-go-seek on horseback."
    - Jerry and Nina, in "The Letter"
    "How dare you impugn my clicking!"
    - Jerry, with the TV remote, in "The Letter"
  • The Finale
    "If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now my friend."
    ""You're so uptight."
    "Uptight. Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket, we're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party!"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Finale"
    "If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts."
    "It's fine. It doesn't have to be about nothing."
    "He might not want nothing."
    "Something, nothing, I could care less."
    "He might want a show about anything and everything."
    "Anything, everything, something, nothing. Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!"
    - Jerry and George, waiting to talk to NBC executives, in "The Finale"
    "I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing."
    "Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me."
    - George and Estelle, in "The Finale"
    "Jerry, it's L.A.! Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore!"
    - Kramer, in "The Finale"
    "Hear me, and hear me well. The day will come. Oh yes! Mark my words, Seinfeld. Your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down."
    - Newman, in "The Finale"
    "Why would we want to help somebody? That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for."
    - George, in "The Finale"
    "Perhaps these hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!"
    - The Prosecutor, in "The Finale"
    "But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, all the time. It is Babu's turn to mock."
    - Babu, in "The Finale"
    "I don't know how, or under what circumstances, the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built."
    - Judge Art Vandelay, in "The Finale"
    "The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's land."
    "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
    "You think?"
    "I think we have."
    "Yeah, maybe we have."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Finale"*
  • The Red Dot
    "I like Art Vandelay."
    "Art Vandelay?"
    "He's an obscure writer. Beatnik. From the village."
    "What's he written?"
    "Venetian Blinds."
    - George and Mr. Littman, in "The Red Dot"
    "I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress."
    - Jerry, in "The Red Dot"
    "I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Red Dot"
    "Would you do me a favor?"
    "Would you take a drink and let us smell you?"
    "You can smell me without the drink."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Red Dot"
    "I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chamber maids."
    "Yeah, chamber maids. I'm attracted to them too."
    "Why is that?"
    "It's a woman in your room."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Red Dot"
    "I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next thing I knew she was mopping the floor with me."
    - George, in "The Red Dot"
    "What are you saying?"
    "I'm not saying anything."
    "You're saying something."
    "What could I be saying?"
    "Well, you're not saying nothing. You must be saying something."
    "If I was saying something, I would've said it."
    "Why don't you say it?"
    "I said it."
    "What'd you say?"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Red Dot"
    "It's exhausting being with you."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Red Dot"
    "Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"
    - George, after sleeping with the cleaning woman, in "The Red Dot"
  • The Nose Job
    "You won't think I'm a bad person?"
    "Too late for that."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Nose Job"
    "I'm your fiance. Peter Von Nostrand."
    - Kramer, to Elaine, in "The Nose Job"
    "It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating."
    "Well, you're just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job."
    - Audrey and Kramer, in "The Nose Job"
    "I'm going straight to hell."
    - George, in "The Nose Job"
    "I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win."
    "You're not letting him win. He wins 'til you're forty."
    "Then what?"
    "He still wins, but it's not a blow-out."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Nose Job"
  • The Rye
    "I just came from the Price Club. I'm loaded up, baby!"
    - Kramer, in "The Rye"
    "Let's not get into panic mode!"
    - George, in "The Rye"
    "I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy. I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't want to make any big sudden movements. I'll frighten him away."
    - Elaine, in "The Rye"
    "How hard can it be to kill this thing?"
    - Frank, about a Cornish game hen, in "The Rye"
    "Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"
    - Frank, in "The Rye"
    "You know, one of these days something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!"
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Rye"
    "One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function."
    - Kramer, in "The Rye"
  • The Shower Head
    "Low flow? I don't like the sound of that."
    - Kramer, in "The Shower Head"
    "You see this? Any thought pops into their head, they're calling me because it's a local call now. I'm used to a 1200-mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus, I've got the dinners, I've got the pop-in's. They pop-in! It's brutal."
    - Jerry, about his parents, in "The Shower Head"
    "If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer."
    - Kramer, in "The Shower Head"
    "If you could perhaps conduct the psychopath convention down the hall..."
    - Jerry, to his parents and the Costanzas, in "The Shower Head"
    "I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!"
    "No good?"
    "It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Shower Head"
    "Now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers."
    "Not from the footage I've seen."
    - Newman and Jerry, in "The Shower Head"
    "This is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!"
    - Frank Costanza, to Jerry's dad, in "The Shower Head"
    "Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death... which is not far off by the way."
    - Jerry, to Uncle Leo, in "The Shower Head"
  • Good News, Bad News Good News, Bad News
    "The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother."
    - Jerry, to George, in "Good News, Bad News"
    "Jerry, I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced."
    - George, watching laundry, in "Good News, Bad News"
    "Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing. Just let it finish."
    "You're going to overdry it."
    "You can't overdry."
    "Why not?"
    "The same reason you can't overwet."
    - Jerry and George, in "Good News, Bad News"
    "I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too."
    - George, to Jerry, in "Good News, Bad News"
    "I'm aware of you."
    - George, to Kramer, in "Good News, Bad News"
    "Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking?"
    "What a world that would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking."
    "You know, instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation."
    - Jerry and George, in "Good News, Bad News"
  • The Burning
    "I had 'em Jerry. They loved me."
    "And then?"
    "I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns."
    "Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Burning"
    "You prefer dumb and lazy to religious?"
    "Dumb and lazy I understand."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Burning"
    "Bacterial meningitis... Jackpot!"
    "Gonnorhea? You wanna trade?"
    "Sorry buddy, this is the Hamlet of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions... It's got everything."
    - Mickey and Kramer, in "The Burning"
    "I'm against all 'It's me's'. It's so self-absorbed and egotistical, like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes."
    - George, in "The Burning"
    "Alright, that's it for me! Be good everybody!"
    - George, going out on a high note, in "The Burning"
    "I'm going to make people feel my gonnorhea."
    - Kramer, in "The Burning"
    "Pull the old switcheroo."
    "I think that's 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander.'"
    "What the hell is a gander anyway?"
    "It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on her."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Burning"
    "Is it a problem that I'm not really religious?"
    "Not for me."
    "Why not?"
    "I'm not the one going to hell."
    - Elaine and Puddy, in "The Burning"
    "My boyfriend said I got gonnorhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit."
    - Sophie, in "The Burning"
    "Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the R fell off and all it says now is K-UGER."
    "K-UGER. That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? K-UGER! K-UGER!"
    "You are too much, Mr. Kruger. Too much!"
    "Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me!"
    "What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger."
    "It's K-UGER!"
    - George and Mr. Kruger, in "The Burning"
  • The Serenity Now
    "Serenity now! Serenity now!"
    "What is that?"
    "The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'serenity now!'"
    "Are you supposed to yell it?"
    "The man on the tape wasn't specific."
    - Frank and George, in "The Serenity Now"
    "I've never seen you mad."
    "I get peeved."
    "I would like to see you get really mad."
    - Patty and Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"
    "You've heard me yell."
    "Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic pitch."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Serenity Now"
    "I'm open. There's just nothing in there."
    - Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"
    "Starting tonight we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired. The winner gets a Water Pik."
    - Frank, in "The Serenity Now"
    "What's the matter?"
    "It's Patty."
    "Jerry, you break up with a girl every week."
    "What is this salty discharge?"
    "Oh my God, you're crying."
    "This is horrible. I care."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"
    "I don't know what's happening to me."
    "Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come. It's like Endora's Box."
    "That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora."
    "Yeah, well, she had one too."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Serenity Now"
    "Serenity now, insanity later."
    - Lloyd Braun, in "The Serenity Now"
    "George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure, I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."
    - Jerry, in "The Serenity Now"
  • The Voice
    "Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."
    - Jerry, in "The Voice"
    "I come up with these things, I know they're gold but nothing happens. You know why?"
    "No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains, no..."
    "No, no time! It's all these menial tasks. Laundry, grocery shopping, coming in here and talking to you. You have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?"
    "I could ballpark it."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Voice"
    "You remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries?"
    "Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience."
    "But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Voice"
  • The Reverse Peephole
    "So Puddy wears a man-fur?"
    "He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
    "Cheapness is not a sense."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "Now I can peek in and see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies."
    - Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "Nobody carries wallets anymore. They went out with powdered wigs."
    - Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "Why are we in Jerry's apartment?"
    "Well, I like to think of this as my conference room. It has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves... and the furniture."
    - Silvio and Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat."
    "Because you threw it out."
    "No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's insane!"
    "But you did actually throw his coat out the window?"
    "But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows someone stole it, and that's the person who should be held responsible."
    "But that's you."
    "So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "My back is killing me."
    "Of course, because of that wallet! You've got a filing cabinet under half of your ass."
    "This is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "I can't believe we're going dancing."
    "You don't go that often?"
    "No, because it's so stupid."
    - Jerry and Keri, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me."
    - Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece which seems oddly out of place."
    - Newman, entering Elaine's apartment for the first time, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "Hey Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat."
    "That is your coat?"
    "It sure is."
    "Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention."
    "That's true."
    - Jerry and Silvio, in "The Reverse Peephole"
    "Hey Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy!"
    - Kramer, in "The Reverse Peephole"
  • The Butter Shave
    "I feel like an out-of-work porn star."
    - George, commenting on his mustache, in "The Butter Shave"
    "Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag."
    - Kramer, in "The Butter Shave"
    "Wait a minute. Do I have to ask?"
    "Well, I ran out of butter, so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosey?"
    "Why are you buttering your face?"
    "I'm shaving with it."
    "Oh, Moses smell the roses!"
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Butter Shave"
    "You know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Butter Shave"
    "I love that bathroom. It's got that high-high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building."
    - George, in "The Butter Shave"
    "You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say 'why?'. Are we really so different..."
    "I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman."
    "Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule."
    - Newman and Jerry, in "The Butter Shave"
    "Oh man, I think I cooked myself."
    - Kramer, in "The Butter Shave"
    "I'm fried."
    "Technically, you're sauteed. So what are you doing for that?"
    "I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out."
    "Is that what the doctor said?"
    "I read an article in Bon Apetit Magazine."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Butter Shave"
  • The Summer of George
    "Jerry, you got any Tums?"
    "Stomach ache?"
    "I drank too much water in the shower."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"
    "So, has the summer of George begun? Or are you still decomposing?"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Summer of George"
    "Can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes?"
    "Do they make swaddling clothes for adults?"
    "It's like she's split the job of boyfriend into two jobs. Except the dude's playing the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beverage."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Summer of George"
    "Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"
    "Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."
    "I'm trying."
    "I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man."
    "Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about right."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"
    "What is so appealing to men about a catfight?"
    "Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other, there's a chance they might somehow kiss."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"
  • The Muffin Tops
    "Wait. Those are the clothes from the bag!"
    "The guy never came back."
    "He asked you to watch them, not wear them."
    "I'm still watching them."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "When do you start to worry about ear hair?"
    "When you hear like a soft rustling."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?"
    - Mr. Littman, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "I did something stupid."
    "What'd you do?"
    "Well, I was shaving, and I noticed an assymmetry in my chest hair. And I was trying to even it out. And the next thing I know... Gone!"
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "So you're pretending to be a tourist?"
    "It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality."
    - Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "You know, if you take everything I've done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."
    - George, in "The Muffin Tops"
    "We have a bonus ultra-reality stop today. We're going to be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository."
    "We're going to a garbage dump?"
    "And we're off!"
    "You know, I never thought he'd be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close."
    - Kramer, a Tourist, and Jerry, in "The Muffin Tops"
  • The Millennium
    "Kramer, these balloons aren't going to stay filled 'til New Year's."
    "Those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Millennium"
    "You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. Only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first."
    "You can do that."
    "Of course, but I really want to leave my mark this time. You know, I want to walk away from the Yankees with people saying, 'Wow, now that guy got canned.'"
    "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence."
    "Yeah, remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft syrup machine?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Millennium"
    "You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is this mouth vacuum thing for real?"
    - Kramer, in "The Millennium"
    "What is a barometer exactly?"
    "It's pronounced 'thermometer'."
    - George and Kramer, in "The Millennium"
    "So Jerry, my millennium party is really coming together. Will people be able to breathe under water in the year 2000?"
    "Some of us."
    "I don't want to exclude anybody."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Millennium"
    "You can never have too much ice."
    - Newman, in "The Millennium"
    "For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free."
    - Newman, in "The Millennium"
    "I never thought I'd fail at failing."
    "Oh come on now."
    "I can't do anything wrong."
    "Nonsense. You do everything wrong."
    "You really think so?"
    "Absolutely! I have no confidence in you."
    "Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again."
    "That's the spirit! You suck!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Millennium"
    "I guess I can accept a little Jerry if it gets me a lot of Elaine."
    - Newman, in "The Millennium"
  • The Pie
    "It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite."
    - Kramer, telling Elaine about her lookalike mannequin, in "The Pie"
    "Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something. If anybody should be rolling their eyes, it is me, at him, about you."
    - Elaine, to a rude store clerk, in "The Pie"
    "It'll be a funky adventure."
    - Kramer, inviting Elaine to scratch his back, in "The Pie"
    "I'm going home to spatula."
    - Kramer, in "The Pie"
    "Do you need some help with that itch?"
    "Madam, I pray you're not toying with me."
    - The cashier at Monk's and Kramer, in "The Pie"
    "A chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. He wants to get caught."
    - Jerry, in "The Pie"
    "You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ooooo! She's a maestro. The criss-cross, the figure-eight, strummin' on the old banjo. And this wild savage free-for-all where anything can happen."
    - Kramer, in "The Pie"
    "This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."
    - Jerry, in "The Pie"
    "That's my ass in your window!"
    - Elaine, seeing the mannequin posed in an embarrassing position, in "The Pie"
    "I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some Doublemint gum."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, after they steal her lookalike mannequin, in "The Pie"
    "Poppie's a little sloppy."
    - Jerry, after Poppie is taken away by health inspectors, in "The Pie"
    "Conformity's an obsession with me."
    - George, in "The Pie"
    "Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?"
    "No, that's one for the ages."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pie"
  • The Implant
    "I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare."
    - Jerry, in "The Implant"
    "Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs."
    - Jerry, in "The Implant"
    "Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their first date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side."
    "Wrong side?"
    "Yes, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left."
    "He can't go left?"
    "No. I'm leftie, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?"
    "No, we just play defense."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Implant"
    "In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of those three?"
    - George, in "The Implant"
    "You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose. And no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril."
    - Jerry, in "The Implant"
    "Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Implant"
    "It's like a sauna in here."
    - Kramer, sitting in a sauna, in "The Implant"
    "This confers upon you instant boyfriend status."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Implant"
    "Did you just double-dip that chip?"
    "Excuse me?"
    "You double-dipped the chip."
    "Double-dipped? What are you talking about?"
    "You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again."
    "That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look, from now on when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it."
    "Well, I'm sorry Timmy, but I don't dip that way."
    "Oh, you don't, huh?"
    "No. You dip the way you want to dip, I'll dip the way I want to dip."
    - Timmy and George, in "The Implant"
    "And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."
    - Sidra, to Jerry, in "The Implant"
  • The Chinese Restaurant
    "Health cookies? I hate those little dustboard fructose things."
    - Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "I just can't believe the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?"
    - George, waiting to use the phone, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick."
    - Elaine, getting very hungry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "If anything happens here can I count on you?"
    "If we decide to go at it."
    "Yeah, I want to get into a rumble."
    - George, still waiting for the phone, and Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
    "I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it."
    "What do you mean?"
    "You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything. You eat it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
    "What are they gonna do?"
    "They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
    "Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
    "Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
    "Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it."
    "No, no tricks."
    "Should I do it George?"
    "For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
    "Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it."
    - Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "We're living in a society!!"
    - George, still waiting for the phone, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal."
    - George, telling how he left a woman's bed, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat. You go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before. They put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure... and now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough."
    - Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?"
    - Elaine, who just wants to sit and eat, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "This is bad, you don't know. The chain reaction of calls this is going to set off. New York, Long Island, Florida... It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears."
    - Jerry, worrying about offending his uncle, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "It's just a movie."
    "Just a movie? You don't understand. This isn't Plans One through Eight from Outer Space. This is Plan Nine! This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "Let's just order it to go. We'll eat it in the cab."
    "Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?"
    "We'll eat it in the movie."
    "Where do you think you're going? You think that they have big picnic tables there?"
    "What do you suggest?"
    "I say we leave now, we go to Skyburger and we scarf 'em down."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "Movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor."
    - Elaine, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
    "I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
    - Jerry, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
  • The Bris
    "And then the placenta comes flying out!"
    - Jerry's friend, describing the birth of his son, in "The Bris"
    "Maybe the baby would like to see the spot."
    - George, showing off his perfect parking spot, in "The Bris"
    "A pig-man! Half pig, half man!"
    - Kramer, describing what he thought he saw in the hospital, in "The Bris"
    "It had no face, no personality. It was like a martian."
    - Elaine, describing an uncircumsized penis, in "The Bris"
    "How about our little Elaine... Attending the finest finishing schools on the eastern seaboard, equestrian competitions, debutante balls... Look at her now - interviewing mohels."
    - Jerry, in "The Bris"
    "Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed."
    - Kramer, in "The Bris"
    "Hey, I'm telling you, the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the 50's."
    - Kramer, in "The Bris"
    "They're probably creating a whole army of pig-warriors."
    - Kramer, in "The Bris"
    "I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.'"
    - George, in "The Bris"
    "Believe me, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help."
    - Kramer, in "The Bris"
    "If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here."
    - Jerry, in "The Bris"
    "If the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
    - Kramer, to George, in "The Bris"
    "Relax. You'd think *you* were gettin' whacked."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Bris"
    "Hey, we're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is gonna be his first memory of his parents, just standing there while some stranger cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch!"
    - Kramer, in "The Bris"
    "Cows don't have families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life."
    - The mohel, in "The Bris"
    "The mohel circumsized my finger!"
    - Jerry, in "The Bris"
    "I've never had stitches! I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's just not me!"
    - Jerry, in "The Bris"
    "Ah well, if it isn't Shakey the Mohel."
    - Jerry, to the mohel, in "The Bris"
    "And he's not a pig-man, is he?"
    "No he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient."
    - George and Kramer, in "The Bris"
  • The Parking Garage
    "Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?"
    - Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
    "Fish... What do they do?"
    "What do *you* do?"
    - George and Elaine, in "The Parking Garage"
    "I'm trying to live my life!"
    - George, in "The Parking Garage"
    "You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Parking Garage"
    "We're like rats in some experiment."
    - George, in "The Parking Garage"
    "There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character."
    - Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
    "If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades."
    - George, in "The Parking Garage"
    "I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum."
    - George, in "The Parking Garage"
    "We're not skinheads."
    - Elaine, trying to convince a man to drive her around the garage, in "The Parking Garage"
    "It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?"
    - Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
    "You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place."
    - Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
    "What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually."
    "Does that bother you?"
    "Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?"
    "Not at all."
    "You see, now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, because it's people like you who live to be 120 because you're not bothered by it. How can it not bother you?"
    "Well, I once saw this thing on TV with people who are terminally ill. Everyone of them believed that the secret of life is just to live every moment."
    "Yeah, I've heard that. Meanwhile, I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey."
    - George and Kramer, in "The Parking Garage"
  • The Hamptons
    "I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love."
    - George, in "The Hamptons"
    "Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back."
    "Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?"
    "C'mon, and I'll rub some on you."
    "That's not sweetening the deal."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"
    "This is weird, wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet."
    "Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?"
    "Maybe she's trying to create a buzz."
    "You know, get some good word of mouth going."
    - Jerry, Elaine and Kramer, observing observing a topless Jane, in "The Hamptons"
    "Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?"
    "I couldn't look. It was like a Pekinese."
    "Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Hamptons"
    "The train was so crowded, I had to sit in a seat facing the wrong way."
    "Oh, I like that. It's like going back in time."
    - Rachel and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"
    "She's got greeting problems."
    - Jerry, about Rachel, in "The Hamptons"
    "I saw Jane topless."
    "You saw who what?"
    - Kramer and George, in "The Hamptons"
    "It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang, and you jump out first!"
    - George, upset that Jerry saw Jane topless before him, in "The Hamptons"
    "I was in the pool! I was in the pool!"
    - George, after Rachel saw him naked, in "The Hamptons"
    "Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
    "But what?"
    "Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold..."
    "Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
    "Yes. Significant shrinkage."
    "So you feel you were shortchanged."
  • The Limo
    "Who's gonna be O'Brien?"
    "I'll be O'Brien."
    "Who am I?"
    "You're you."
    "Just me?"
    "You don't want to be you?"
    "Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?"
    "Like who?"
    "Dylan Murphy."
    "What? Now you want to be Dylan Murphy?"
    "Well, I like Dylan."
    "You can be Colin."
    "Colin O'Brien."
    "I'm Dylan Murphy."
    "I'm Colin O'Brien."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Limo"
    "Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!"
    - George, in "The Limo"
    "I'm telling you, the jig is up."
    "It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've started this jig."
    "It was a good jig."
    "It was a bad jig. A terrible terrible jig."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "Let's just jump out of the car."
    "We're doing sixty miles per hour."
    "So, we jump and roll. You won't get hurt."
    "Who are you, Mannix?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "You took a cab?"
    "Yeah, so?"
    "How much do you make?"
    "I'm not telling you."
    "Ah, c'mon, I'll tell you how much I make."
    "I know how much you make."
    - Kramer and Elaine, in "The Limo"
    "Nice lookin' Luger."
    - Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "Did you see the way she was looking at me?"
    "She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!"
    "I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi, though."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
    I can't run. I have a bad hamstring."
    "How'd that happen?"
    "I hurt it in a hotel room. You know the way they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that, so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "They can't shoot us in the city."
    "Naah, no one's ever been shot in the city."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "There's always been something very strange about Jerry. Always so clean and organized."
    - Kramer, in "The Limo"
    "I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. No. He's just neat."
    - Elaine, in "The Limo"
    "I may not look like a Murphy, but I act like a Murphy."
    - Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "And the peat...aaah, the peat!"
    - Jerry, in "The Limo"
    "Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian."
    - Kramer, in "The Limo"
    "I am not O'Brien!"
    - George, in "The Limo"
  • The Library
    "The Dewey Decimal System... What a scam that was!"
    - Kramer, in "The Library"
    "She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."
    - Kramer, in "The Library"
    "The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?"
    "It's true."
    "That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone."
    - Kramer and the Librarian, in "The Library"
    "I never figured you for a squealer."
    "Oh, he sang like a canary."
    - Kramer and Jerry, to George, in "The Library"
    "I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about lunch."
    - George, in "The Library"
    "Instead of saying 'Costanza', he'd say 'Cantstandya, Cantstandya'."
    - George, remembering his high school gym coach, in "The Library"
    "Why do they call it a wedgie?"
    "Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
    "They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
    "Boys are sick."
    "What do girls do?"
    "We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
    - Elaine, George and Jerry, in "The Library"
    "I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella."
    - Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
    "Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
    - Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
    "Columbus? Euro-trash."
    - Jerry, in "The Library"
    "You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle."
    - Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
  • The Cafe
    "She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want nice."
    - George, in "The Cafe"
    "Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
    - George, in "The Cafe"
    "People think I'm smart, but I'm not smart."
    "Who thinks you're smart?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
    "Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live."
    - George, in "The Cafe"
    "Hey, I love a good caper."
    - Jerry, in "The Cafe"
    "I meet a lot of women in this jacket. They're attracted to it."
    - Kramer, in "The Cafe"
    "Isn't there like a statue of limitations on that?"
    "Statute of limitations. It's not a statue."
    "No, it's statue."
    "Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
    "You see everything, don't you?"
    "Well, you know, not everything. I do what I can."
    - Babu and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
    "I had a sandwich in my pocket."
    - George, explaining how he got food on his IQ test, in "The Cafe"
    "Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes around looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am."
    "Of course, I always do."
    "No, no, it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket."
    "Just give it back to him."
    "He'll have to kill me."
    - Kramer, Jerry and Elaine, in "The Cafe"
    "You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
    - George, in "The Cafe"
    "Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!"
    - Babu, after taking Jerry's advice and serving only Pakistani food, in "The Cafe"
  • The Engagement
    "I'll tell you what your problem is... You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think, she's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? Nah, the queen is old-fashioned, likes to stay home, cook, take care of her man, make sure he feels good."
    - George, playing chess, in "The Engagement"
    "I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
    - George, in "The Engagement"
    "What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing?"
    "Our lives! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men."
    "No we're not. We're not men."
    "We come up with all these stupid little reasons to break up with these women."
    "I know, I know! That's what I do. That's what I do!"
    "Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?"
    "We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty."
    "We're pathetic, you know that?"
    "Yeah, like I don't know that I'm pathetic."
    "Why can't I be normal?"
    "Yes! Me too! I want to be normal. Normal!"
    "It would be nice to care about someone."
    "Yes! Yes! Care!"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Engagement"
    "I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today."
    "We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men."
    "So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'"
    "Yes, we did."
    "Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't."
    "There isn't?"
    "Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating."
    "I can?"
    "Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at dinner?"
    "You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?'"
    "It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."
    "I'm glad we had this talk."
    "Oh, you have no idea."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Engagement"
    "What if there should be an unfortunate accident?"
    "You're going to rub out the dog?!"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Engagement"
    "Frank, come here!"
    "You come here."
    "Georgie's getting married!"
    "Georgie's getting married!!"
    "Get the hell outta here. He's getting married?"
    "To a woman?"
    - Estelle and Frank Costanza, in "The Engagement"
    "And she said yes?"
    "Well, it took a couple hours of convincing, but I was persistent."
    - Jerry and George, who asked Susan to marry him, in "The Engagement"
  • The Junior Mints
    "Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything..."
    "Y'know, I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle."
    "Really? Who?"
    "Nobody you know..."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
    "Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling..."
    - Jerry, describing how he met a woman in the supermarket, in "The Junior Mints"
    "Why do I get bananas? They're good for one day..."
    - Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
    "Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something."
    - George, explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place, in "The Junior Mints"
    "It's like a ski lodge..."
    - Kramer's description of the new look of his apartment after he put up fake-wood wallpaper, in "The Junior Mints"
    "Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'..."
    - Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
    "Let me just finish my coffee, and then we'll go watch them cut the fat bastard up."
    - Jerry to Kramer, in "The Junior Mints"
    "Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -- it's delicious!"
    - Kramer, in "The Junior Mints"
    "I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above..."
    "Those can be very refreshing."
    - The doctor and Kramer, in "The Junior Mints"
    "You don't know my name, do you?"
    "Yes I do."
    "What is it?"
    "It, uh, rhymes with a female body part."
    "What is it?"
    - Dolores and Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
  • The Airport
    "I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker."
    - Jerry, in "The Airport"
    "You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!"
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Airport"
    "I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup."
    - George, in "The Airport"
    "I like to stop at the duty free shop!"
    - George and Kramer, singing, in "The Airport"
    "Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your knees!"
    - Kramer to George, in "The Airport"
    "You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We must go forward, not back."
    - George, in "The Airport"
    "You know what? They got the fudge on the bottom - ya see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eating your ice cream."
    - Jerry, eating a sundae, in "The Airport"
    "I never met a man who knew so much about nothing."
    - Tia the model to Jerry, in "The Airport"
    "More anything?"
    "More everything!"
    - Airline attendant and Jerry, who is enjoying his first class meal, in "The Airport"
    "Oh, you got *cookies*!"
    - Elaine, sneaking into first class, in "The Airport"
  • The Keys
    "You scared me!"
    "It's just me."
    "That's enough!"
    - Jerry and Kramer, bumping into each other in Jerry's apartment, in "The Keys"
    "You were so fast with those keys."
    - Jerry's date, in "The Keys"
    "I broke the covenant of the keys."
    - Kramer, returning Jerry's keys, in "The Keys"
    "I was clinging to those keys, man, like a branch on the banks of a raging river, and now I have let go and I'm free to go with the current, to float, and I thank you."
    - Kramer, in "The Keys"
    "Do you ever yearn?"
    - Kramer, in "The Keys"
    "Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner, oh, *much* cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you."
    "Oh, I can barely see you, George."
    "Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out."
    - Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
    "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
    "I like to get the Daily News."
    - Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
    "I gotta get some new friends."
    - Elaine, in "The Keys"
    "Up here, I'm already gone."
    - Kramer, in "The Keys"
    "Hey Kramer, have you ever killed a man?!"
    "What do you think Junior? You think these hands - they've been soaking in Ivory Liquid?"
    - Punk dude and Kramer, in "The Keys"
    "Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middleman. You were gonna give her her spare keys and she was gonna give 'em to me. So all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours you didn't give her hers because then she would've given them to me. So then I would never have had to ask you for hers so I could get mine."
    "You're right. How did I miss that? (mumbling) Maybe cuz' it's a crock o' sh...."
    "What's that?"
    "I heard something..."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Keys"
  • The Outing
    "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
    - Jerry, denying that he is gay, but not wanting to be seen as anti-gay, in "The Outing"
    "You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
    - George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing"
    "Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
    "Living or all time?"
    "All time."
    "Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev."
    "I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?"
    "Lyndon Johnson was uglier than DeGaulle."
    "I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree."
    - Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Outing"
    "I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: 'C'mon Jerry, go along, go along...'"
    - Jerry to George, in "The Outing"
    "Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat."
    "And you get along well with women."
    "I guess that leaves me in the clear..."
    - Jerry, Elaine and George, on why some people might thing Jerry is gay, in "The Outing"
    "Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
    - George, explaining how he and Jerry met, in "The Outing"
    "Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!"
    - George, trying to convince a reporter that he's not gay, in "The Outing"
    "Ya know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!"
    - George, in "The Outing"
    "Guys And Dolls? Isn't that a lavish, broadway musical?"
    "It's Guys And Dolls, not Guys And Guys."
    - Jerry and George, still concerned that people might think they're gay, in "The Outing"
    "Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films."
    "Yeah. I'm Buck Naked."
    - George's mother and George, in "The Outing"
    "I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay."
    "You're gay?"
    "Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness."
    - George and Allison, as he tries one more tactic to end the relationship, in "The Outing"
  • The Contest
    "You'll be out before we get the check!"
    - Jerry, to Kramer, who wants in on "The Contest"
    "Hey, lemme ask you a question -- in these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?"
    "I would imagine it's all naked."
    "What about the chambermaids, are they naked too?"
    "They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops. It's one big Nude-O-Rama."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Contest"
    "Too bad you couldn't do *that* for a living... You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!"
    - George's mother, chastising her son for treating his body like "an amusement park," in "The Contest"
    "Yeah... butt... butt... Great butt... John John's butt..."
    - Elaine, almost speechless after finding out that John F. Kennedy Jr. will be in
    her aerobics class, in "The Contest"
    "Good night. Not just a good night... a *great* night!"
    - Jerry to Marla, in "The Contest"
    "Are you Master of your Domain?"
    "I am King of the County. You?"
    "Lord of the Manor."
    "I'm Queen of the castle!"
    - Jerry, George and Elaine, in "The Contest"
    "So, you're still Master of your Domain?"
    "Yes, yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I'm going over to her apartment and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!"
    "Wait, wait wait... Whoa, whoa whoa-- what did you just say?"
    "I can't take it any more! She's drivin' me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house. When I'm here I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile I'm datin' a virgin, I'm in this contest... something's gotta give!"
    "Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop!? That's the *dumbest* thing I ever heard. I mean, it's incomprehens-- I'm not gonna let you do it!"
    "Well, I'm doin' it. Get out of my way..."
    "No, you can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime. When we were boys looking through our bedroom windows we would think, 'Why can't there be a woman out there taking her clothes off?' And now that wish has come true and you want to... pfffft... throw it away?!"
    - Kramer and Jerry, fighting over the woman across the street, in "The Contest"
    "Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? You tryin' to hurt me? You're tryin 'to injure me, right? You're tryin to hurt me..."
    - Elaine, who can't believe that JFK Jr. is interested in her, in "The Contest"
    "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round..."
    "The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..."
    "The washers on the bus go woosh woosh woosh, woosh woosh woosh..."
    "The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Contest"
    "Where did you get those socks?!"
    "I dunno..."
    "I think those are *my* socks!"
    "How are these *your* socks?"
    "I dunno, but those are *my* socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe and now I don't *have* them anymore!"
    "Oh yeah, that's right, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet, they looked so good to me, I just had to have 'em!!!
    "Yeah, well, they're *MY SOCKS*!"
    "They're my socks!!!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Contest"
    "You caved?!"
    "It's over!?!"
    "You're out?!?"
    "Oh my God, the Queen is dead!"
  • The Trip
    "My personal acting technique is working with color. Imagining, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you see that all my lines have a special color. So, I don't memorize language, I memorize colors. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue, and you have a full palette of emotions."
    - Kramer gives a lecture, in "The Trip"
    "I happen to dress based on mood."
    "But you essentially wear the same thing all the time."
    "Seemingly, but within that basic framework there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza."
    "And what mood is this?"
    "This is morning mist."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Trip"
    "I've always been a little nervous about these things. I'm afraid I'm going to step through into another dimension."
    - George, before going through a metal detector, in "The Trip"
    "I must have iron-rich blood."
    - Jerry, after setting off the metal detector, in "The Trip"
    "I'm not crazy. I may look weird, but I'm just like you... I'm just a regular guy."
    - Kramer, talking to Fred Savage, in "The Trip"
    "Body lotion! Jerry, body lotion!"
    - George, excited about the hotel room, in "The Trip"
    "That's one tuck, one no-tuck."
    - George, in "The Trip"
    "I like to be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them."
    - George, in "The Trip"
    "He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course, there's nothing abnormal about that. I have many suitors."
    - Elena, the out-of-work-for-58-years actress, in "The Trip"
    "A payphone in L.A. Look, it's a miracle."
    - George, in "The Trip"
    "I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney."
    - George, in "The Trip"
    "Hello, 911? How are ya?"
    - Jerry, in "The Trip"
    "Hey officer! He's foolin' around back here!"
    - Jerry, while he and George ride around in a "black & white", in "The Trip"
    "You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always 'WAAAAAH WAAAAAH' and now it's 'WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO'. Why'd they do that? I mean, did they do some research? Did they find out that WOO-WOO was a more effective siren than WAAAH?"
    "Hey, and what about those English sirens? 'EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH'..."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Trip"
    "Hey, how'd you know about the guy in the park?"
    - Kramer, to the police detective, in "The Trip"
    "I'm doin' what I do, the way I've always done it, and the way I'll always do it."
    - Kramer, in "The Trip"
    "If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin."
    - George, in "The Trip"
  • The Subway
    "I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
    - George, in "The Subway"
    "What am I, made of money? You bunch of deadbeats!"
    - Elaine, stuck with the check again, in "The Subway"
    "Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a good quote."
    - George, trying to impress a woman, in "The Subway"
    "Big brokerage houses killed my father."
    - George, still trying to impress a woman, in "The Subway"
    "It's ironic."
    "What's ironic?"
    "This. That we've come all this way, we made all this progress, but, you know, we lost the little things, the niceties."
    "No, I mean, what does `ironic' mean?"
    - Elaine and woman on subway, in "The Subway"
    "My luck. I don't talk to a soul on the subway for thirty-five years. I get the best man at a lesbian wedding."
    - A woman on the subway, talking to Elaine, in "The Subway"
    "I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!"
    - Elaine, in "The Subway"
    "His mother was a mudder... His father was a mudder."
    - Kramer, in "The Subway"
    "You realize, of course, you're naked."
    "Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference."
    "You ought to sit *here*. There's a difference."
    "You got something against a naked body?"
    "I got something against yours. How about a couple deep knee bends, maybe some squat thrusts."
    "Who's got time for squat thrusts?"
    "All right, how 'bout skippin' breakfast? I'm guessing you're not a half-grapefruit and black coffee man."
    "I like a good breakfast."
    "I understand, I like a good breakfast. As long as you don't wind up trapped in a room in bib overalls and pigtails being counseled by Dick Gregory."
    "I'm not ashamed of my body."
    "Exactly. That's your problem. You should be."
    - Jerry and the Naked Guy, in "The Subway"
    "Tell you what, if they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series."
    - Jerry, to the naked guy, in "The Subway"
    "You can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?"
    - George, after being robbed by a beautiful woman, in "The Subway"
    "Biff! What, did you whistle in the elevator?"
    - Jerry, seeing George walk into the diner wearing nothing but a sheet, in "The Subway"
  • The Mango
    "Tub is love."
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "Nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes, you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort."
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "Who's fakin'?"
    - Elaine, in "The Mango"
    "That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?"
    - Jerry, after Elaine told him that she always faked it, in "The Mango"
    "They've all been faking..."
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury!"
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment. She woke me up a few times."
    - Kramer, admiring Elaine's ability to fake it, in "The Mango"
    "I know how to press those buttons, buddy."
    - Kramer, in "The Mango"
    "You know, I faked it."
    - Kramer, in "The Mango"
    "This peach is sub-par."
    - Kramer, in "The Mango"
    "You gotta stand behind your fruit."
    - Kramer, in "The Mango"
    "What am I gonna do for fruit?!"
    - Kramer, starting to panic, in "The Mango"
    "Give me another shot!"
    - Jerry, wanting another chance to make Elaine happy, in "The Mango"
    "Fifteen minutes! I can make it happen!"
    - Jerry, pleading with Elaine, in "The Mango"
    "Oh that Meryl Streep. She's such a phoney baloney!"
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "Can't you tell I'm upset?"
    "No, maybe you're faking!"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they?"
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
    "If I give you money, would you go out and get me some fruit?"
    - Kramer to Jerry, after being barred from the fruit store, in "The Mango"
    "They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
    - Kramer, in "The Mango"
    "I'm gonna make you a fruit list."
    - Kramer, after Jerry agrees to go to the fruit store, in "The Mango"
    "I like mangoes."
    - Kramer, in "The Mango"
    "I can't buy mangoes and plantains?"
    - Jerry, talking with a suspicious fruit store owner, in "The Mango"
    "I've only got hundreds."
    - Kramer, asked for change, in "The Mango"
    "This is like a taste explosion."
    - George, tasting his first mango, in "The Mango"
    "Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American theatre."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Mango"
    "Alright, let's go. I'll give ya half an hour."
    - Elaine, letting Jerry have another shot, in "The Mango"
    "We have to have sex to save the friendship."
    - Jerry, in "The Mango"
  • The Pick
    "I could have been a millionaire!! I could have been a FRAGRANCE millionaire!!!"
    - Kramer, in Jerry's apartment, after smelling Elaine and realizing that Calvin Klein stole his cologne idea, in "The Pick"
    "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
    - Jerry, in "The Pick"
    "You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? Here's your Christmas card!!!"
    - Elaine to George, as she grabs his head and pulls it into her chest, in "The Pick"
    "No pick! NO PICK!"
    - Jerry, after being caught in the middle of a dubious nose scratch, in "The Pick"
    "If we pick, do we not bleed?!"
    - Jerry, in "The Pick"
    "His buttocks are sublime."
    - A Calvin Klein executive, admiring Kramer, in "The Pick"
  • The Movie
    "A guy who's about five foot eleven, he's got uh, a big head and flared nostrils."
    - Kramer, describing Jerry, in "The Movie"
    "Like, a horse face, big teeth, and a pointed nose."
    - George, describing Jerry, in "The Movie"
    "A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head."
    - The ticket lady, describing George, in "The Movie"
    "A pretty woman, you know, kinda short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan."
    - George, describing Elaine, in "The Movie"
    "Have you seen a tall, lanky dufus with a bird face and hair like the bride of Frankenstein?"
    - Elaine, describing Kramer, in "The Movie"
    "I don't want a movie hot dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog!"
    - Kramer, in "The Movie"
    "George, you're sappin' my strength."
    - Elaine, in "The Movie"
    "Do you think I need to lose some weight?
    "Weight? No, you just need some height."
    - Pat and Jerry, in "The Movie"
    "No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?"
    - Jerry, to his annoying colleague Pat, in "The Movie"
    "No, I don't want to go to a mini-plex multi-theater! It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POW's to show them propaganda films."
    - Elaine, in "The Movie"
    "Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off."
    - Elaine, in "The Movie"
    "Can I have a medium diet coke?"
    "Do you want the medium size or the middle size?"
    "What's the difference?"
    "Well, we have three sizes - medium, large and jumbo."
    "What happened to the small?"
    "There is no small. Small's medium."
    "What's medium?"
    "Medium's large and large is jumbo."
    "Okay, give me the large."
    "That's medium."
    "Right. Can I have a small popcorn?"
    "There is no small. Child-size is small."
    "What's medium?"
    "Do adults ever order the child-size?"
    "Not usually."
    "Okay, give me the adult."
    "Do you want butter?"
    "Is it real butter?"
    "It's butter flavoring."
    "What is it made of?"
    "It's yellow."
    - Elaine and a woman behind the snack counter, in "The Movie"
  • The Fix-up
    "It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
    - George, in "The Fix-Up"
    "Are my nostrils getting bigger?"
    - Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
    "I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
    "So, hopelessness is the key?"
    "It's my only hope."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
    "Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up."
    - Cynthia, in "The Fix-Up"
    "Your standards are too high."
    "I went out with you."
    "That's because my standards are too low."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
    "What am I, a hooker?"
    - Elaine, in "The Fix-Up"
    "You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook."
    - Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
    "I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is important to me."
    - George, in "The Fix-Up"
    "Can't you two see... that you're in LOVE with each other?"
    - Kramer, breaking up Jerry and Elaine's fight, in "The Fix-Up"
    "The next one of you that opens up your mouth and says something, you're gonna have to deal with me!"
    - Kramer, breaking up a fight between Jerry and George, in "The Fix-Up"
    "I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend."
    "She's not bitter."
    "Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Fix-Up"
    "My boys can swim!"
    - George, learning that he might be a father, in "The Fix-Up"
  • The Old Man
    "Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?"
    "Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll all be over..."
    - George and Jerry, discussing women, in "The Old Man"
    "There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
    "Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
    "What kind of a person are you?"
    "I think I'm pretty much like you -- only successful."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
    "The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth."
    - Kramer, in "The Old Man"
    "Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?"
    "I'm a United States postal worker."
    "Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?"
    "Why is that?"
    "Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!"
    - George, Newman and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
    "Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!"
    - Sid Fields, who doesn't appreciate Jerry's attempts to be friendly, in "The Old Man"
    "What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell me that you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talking about anymore!? Wait a second, where are you going?"
    "Life's too short to waste on you."
    - George and Ben, who, at 85 years-old isn't as worried about dying as George
    seems to be, in "The Old Man"
    "Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."
    - George, in "The Old Man"
    "I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.
    - George, testing the housekeeper's inability to understand English, in "The Old Man"
  • The Smelly Car
    "What am I... hard of smelling?"
    - Elaine to Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
    "So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."
    - Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
    "I *loooove* horse manure."
    - Elaine, who would rather smell anything other than Jerry's car, in "The Smelly Car"
    "Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex."
    - Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
    "There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
    - Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
    "Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her."
    - George, finding out that his former girlfriend is a lesbian, in "The Smelly Car"
    "You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench."
    - Jerry, describing the B.O. smell in his car, in "The Smelly Car"
    "I still smell!"
    "You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
    "Amazing! I drive them to lesbianism, and he brings 'em back!"
    - George, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car"
    "First he vomits on me. Then he burns down my father's cabin. And now he's taken Mona away from me."
    - Susan, George's ex-girlfriend, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car"
  • The Puffy Shirt
    "Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
    - George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "I think you're all a little touched in the head."
    - George's mom, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "I don't know if I feel comfortable handing out baloney sandwiches in the building."
    - Jerry, to George's mom, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "You can look at them, but do not touch them."
    - George, letting the others admire his hands, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "Oh, those are nice. Ya know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth, creamy, delicate, yet masculine."
    - Kramer, admiring George's hands, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "You're going to be the first pirate!"
    - Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "Stress is very damaging to the epidermis."
    - George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "I won a contest."
    - George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "You could be the first pirate comedian."
    - Bryant Gumbel, to Jerry, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "My whole life was ruined because of the puffy shirt."
    - George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
    "I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray."
    - Kramer, in "The Puffy Shirt"
  • The Sniffing Accountant
    "Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?"
    - Elaine, to George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Jerry, where'd you get that sweater?"
    "What do you think? I found it in the back of my closet."
    "I think that's what the back of closets are for."
    - George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "He was definitely sniffing."
    - George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Don't forget to wash your hands before supper."
    - Elaine, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "He doesn't know anything about bras."
    - George's mom, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back."
    - George, who must know something about bras, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?"
    - Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do."
    - Jake, to Elaine, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it!"
    - Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation."
    - Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Yes, I'm impugning a continent."
    - Jerry, discussing South America, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "I'm sure if we put our three heads together, we should come up with something."
    - Newman, to Jerry and Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel."
    "I feel Tuesday and Wednesday."
    - Newman and Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Maybe we ought to become private detectives."
    "Maybe you should."
    "Maybe I will."
    "Yeah, me too."
    - Kramer, Jerry and Newman, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "What do you need me in the car for?"
    "I might need you to get me another soda."
    - Newman and Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two, but then again, I've been known to do a lot of things."
    - Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Here's to feeling good all the time."
    - Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "I'm hip."
    "Hip to what?"
    "To the whole scene."
    "What scene?"
    "The bathroom scene."
    - Kramer and the accountant, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "From the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled."
    - George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Oh no! The letter! Newman! It's got exclamation points all over it!"
    "Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
    "Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?"
    - Jerry, describing his shirt, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
  • The Lip Reader
    "I'm not a terrible person."
    "No, when I shoo squirrels away, I always say 'Get out of here." I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people."
    "That's nice."
    "Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable."
    "That's nice for the freaks."
    "Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I go to the movies so people can see."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Lip Reader"
    "You want to be a ball man? Go ahead and break the ball barrier."
    - Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Lip Reader"
    "It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
    "Alright, George, it's you."
    "You're damn right it's me."
    "Look, I was just trying to...."
    "I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
    "Well I'm sure you do it very well."
    "Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
    - George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
    "So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? Do you really think she'd be that superficial?"
    "Why not? I would be."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Lip Reader"
    "How about six? Six is good. You got a problem with six?"
    - Jerry, to a confused lip reader, in "The Lip Reader"
    "Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?"
    "I may be old, but I'm spry."
    - A ball boy and Kramer, in "The Lip Reader"
    "You remember this: When you control the mail, you control information!"
    - Newman, in "The Lip Reader"
    "She doesn't know what she's talking about!"
    - Kramer, who uses his own special kind of sign language, in "The Lip Reader"
    "Thus ends the great ball man experiment."
    - Jerry, after Kramer tackles Monica Seles, in "The Lip Reader"
  • The Non-Fat Yogurt
    "How could this not have any fat? It's too good!"
    - George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "This is so *!@#$*! good!"
    - Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Something wrong with your arm?"
    "Uh yeah, actually, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something and now it sort of moves involuntarily."
    - Lloyd Braun and George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "It's got a remarkable texture."
    - Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "What'sa matter?"
    "I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork."
    "Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?"
    - Jerry, after a good standup routine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "You don't eat Oreos? The way you break 'em open and.... It's like you're having sex with 'em."
    - Kramer, to Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat."
    "Oh, guess again, tubby."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Hey, I'll tell you what, chubbs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week."
    "Well, let's start the insanity."
    "Mmmmmm.... giddyup!"
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "You discussed George with the Mayor of New York?!?"
    - Frank, George's father, to Lloyd, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said 'Nice try, Granny,' and I sent her to the back of the line."
    - Newman, joking with fellow postal workers, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Hey! Another round of strawberry for me and my friends!"
    - Newman, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology."
    - Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Ooooo, test tubes. Cool...."
    - Kramer, visiting the testing lab, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "My whole life is a lie."
    - George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    - Kramer, after wiggling his fingers over a bunsen burner, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "You know what I would do if I was running for mayor? One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear nametags all the time to make the city friendlier."
    - Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Well, the yogurt verdict is in.... FAT!"
    - Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take x-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?"
    "I don't know what kind of person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person, a very immature person, a person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time."
    - George and a doctor, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "I can't eat this!"
    - Newman, after sampling the new, truly non-fat yogurt, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
    "Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat !@*#!"
    - Matthew, to Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
  • The Barrber
    "Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious."
    - George, in "The Barber"
    "I enjoy understanding."
    - George, in "The Barber"
    "I could raise enough money to cure polio."
    - Kramer, discussing a charity bachelor auction, in "The Barber"
    "You tell-a the joke, I cut-a the hair."
    - Enzo, to Jerry, in "The Barber"
    "You look like you're five years old."
    - George, seeing the results of Jerry's bad haircut, in "The Barber"
    "I still haven't heard about that job."
    "Yeah, that's a tough one. What are you gonna do about that?"
    "I have an idea."
    "I show up."
    "Whattya mean, you show up?"
    "I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced."
    "Hmmmmm.... Not bad."
    "What's the worst thing that could happen?"
    "Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs."
    "Yeah, so?"
    "Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Barber"
    "Yes, I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled."
    - George, in "The Barber"
    "So what do you do there all day?"
    "They gave me the Pensky file."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Barber"
    "I'd like to have shoehorn hands."
    - Kramer, in "The Barber"
    "Boy, you got a beautiful head of hair!"
    "Oh, thank you."
    "I'll bet Uncle Enzo, he tell-a you that all-a the time!"
    "Well, actually, Enzo hasn't said that to me in awhile."
    - Gino and Jerry, in "The Barber"
    "Look at him! He's grotesque!"
    "You think?"
    "Do I think? He's repugnant!"
    - Kramer and Elaine, discussing Jerry, in "The Barber"
    "I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it."
    - Newman, in "The Barber"
    "In college they used to call me 'The Little Bulldog'."
    - George, in "The Barber"
    "Flush twice!"
    - Jerry, to Newman, who wants to use the bathroom, in "The Barber"
    "He likes fruit, and uh, he just got a haircut."
    - Elaine, auctioning off Kramer, in "The Barber"
    "You haven't done anything with this."
    "Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office."
    - Tuttle and George, in "The Barber"
    "Ta ta, Tut-tel."
    - George, in "The Barber"
  • The Masseuse
    "I haven't vomited in thirteen years."
    - Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
    "So, apparently adoption leads to serial killing."
    - Kramer, in "The Masseuse"
    "It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho... I want a potato."
    - Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
    "If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deon."
    - Elaine, in "The Masseuse"
    "Hey! I am looser than creamed corn."
    - Kramer, after getting a massage, in "The Masseuse"
    "She rubs with love."
    - Kramer, on Jerry's girlfriend, in "The Masseuse"
    "Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out?"
    - Kramer, after Jerry orders him to stay away from his girlfriend, in "The Masseuse"
    "Just look at me. Now tell me I'm not Kramer."
    - Kramer, in "The Masseuse"
    "What about my massage?!"
    "Ask Newman."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
    "Does everybody in the world have to like you?"
    "Yes, yes! Everybody in the world has to like me! I must be liked!"
    - Karen and George, in "The Masseuse"
    "You're a massage teaser."
    - Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
    "This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
    - George, in "The Masseuse"
  • The Race
    "I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois."
    "I know. Finally!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Race"
    "Man, that's some tart cider."
    - Jerry, enjoying a holiday beverage, in "The Race"
    "So, you were the fastest kid in school."
    "Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois."
    - Lois and Jerry, in "The Race"
    "The Daily Worker has personals?"
    "Yeah, and they say that appearance is not important."
    "Yours or hers?"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Race"
    "Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."
    - George, trying to get a date with a communist, in "The Race"
    "Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out."
    - Kramer, working as a department store Santa Claus, in "The Race"
    "So, what have you been doing with yourself?"
    "I'm a comedian."
    "Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."
    "Yeah yeah... Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you? You used to really have a thick full head of hair."
    "Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about 28, right around the time I made my first million."
    - George and Jerry, acting like they haven't seen each other in years, in "The Race"
    "There are no delicatessens under communism."
    "Woah, why not?"
    "Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You've got pastrami and corned beef in one class and salami and bologna in another. That's not right."
    "So you can't get corned beef?"
    "Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe."
    - Kramer and Mickey, in "The Race"
    "Fine, you want to be a communist, be a communist. Can't you at least look like a successful communist?"
    - Elaine, to her boyfriend, in "The Race"
  • The Glasses
    "Do you ever spit on anybody from here?"
    - Elaine, looking out Jerry's window, in "The Glasses"
    "Rock on!"
    - Kramer, in "The Glasses"
    "I gotta get out of this city."
    "So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
    "Who steals prescription glasses?"
    "You don't have an old pair?"
    "I broke 'em playing basketball."
    "He was running from a bee."
    - George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
    "Retail is for suckers."
    - Kramer, in "The Glasses"
    "Once again, I'm standing here like a little man."
    - George, in "The Glasses"
    "He was spottin' raccoons on the road."
    - Jerry, lauding George's ability to squint, in "The Glasses"
    "Do I need a shot?"
    "Not shot. Dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang."
    - Elaine and a doctor, in "The Glasses"
    "It's a Commando-8, 12,000 BTU's. It's gonna be like a meat locker in here!"
    - Jerry, trying to impress Amy with his new air conditioner, in "The Glasses"
    "Everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side."
    "What side?"
    "A bad side, an ugly side."
    "Oh, so what?"
    "So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you made me throw off the whole learning curve."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Glasses"
    "I was spottin' those raccoons..."
    "They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
    "I don't know what to believe. You're eatin' onions, you're spottin' dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Glasses"
    "Right this way, Mister Doody."
    - Kramer, in "The Glasses"
    "You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's Fruit Stand and stuffing cantaloupe down your throat!"
    - Kramer, to the optometrist, in "The Glasses"
    "I don't know what to tell ya, Elton."
    - Jerry, making fun of George's glasses, in "The Glasses"
    "May I have one of those, madam?"
    - Kramer, making fun of George's glasses, in "The Glasses"
    "Is this going to hurt?"
    "Yes, very much."
    - Elaine and a doctor, in "The Glasses"
    "I'm very mysterious by nature. A lot of women find that attractive."
    "I find it annoying."
    - Jerry and Amy, in "The Glasses"
  • The Beard
    "Have you ever been to the ballet?"
    "No, but I've seen people on tiptoes."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Beard"
    "I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one."
    - Kramer, talking about George, who is now wearing a toupee, in "The Beard"
    "I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain."
    - Elaine, disdainful of George's new toupee, in "The Beard"
    "And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"
    "Did you describe yourself to her over the phone?"
    "Yes I did."
    "What did you say?"
    "What do you think I said?"
    "I don't know."
    "I told her the truth."
    "As you see it?"
    "Yes, as I see it."
    "Did you tell her about your little hat there?"
    "What hat?"
    "You know, your little hair hat there."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Beard"
    "When someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?"
    - Jerry, in "The Beard"
    "I feel like my old self again... Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure."
    - George, after Elaine threw his toupee out the window, in "The Beard"
    "You've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Beard"
    "Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
    - George, in "The Beard"
    "I have hit the jackpot. The perfect man -- nothing but sex and shopping."
    - Elaine, in "The Beard"
    "Being a woman, I only really have access to the equipment, what, 30-45 minutes a week, and that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment and have access to it 24 hours a day their entire lives?"
    - Elaine, in "The Beard"
    "Well, there's always a place for you on our team."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"
    "I got rejected by a bald woman."
    - George, in "The Beard"
  • The Soup
    "I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit."
    - Jerry, who accepted a new Armani suit from Kenny in exchange for
    a meal, in "The Soup"
    "I love the day date... No wine, no shower..."
    - Jerry, in "The Soup"
    "Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing."
    - George, in "The Soup"
    "I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun! Very monastic."
    - Kramer, in "The Soup"
    "The soup counts!"
    - Jerry, to Kenny, in "The Soup"
    "You worn the suit yet?"
    "Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it."
    - Kenny and Jerry, in "The Soup"
    "If I go back in there without any food, there's gonna be trouble!"
    - Kramer, whose new girlfriend has has a voracious appetite, in "The Soup"
  • The Mom and Pop Store
    "What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't shop there."
    - George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
    "I don't wanna be a cowboy!"
    - Jerry, who only has cowboy boots to wear, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
    "Hey, I've got Jon Voight's LeBaron."
    - George and Kramer, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
    "Oh look, there's Gregory Peck's bicycle! And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!"
    - Jerry, teasing George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
    "So where's my sneakers?"
    "That's what I want to know."
    "What do you mean?"
    "Well, I saw mom and pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home the place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and pop vanished!"
    "So all my sneakers are gone?"
    "I'm afraid so, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around. They didn't even have any kids."
    "Mom and pop aren't even a mom and pop?
    "It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored big-time!"
    "So, mom and pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood, establish trust - for 48 years - and then run off with Jerry's sneakers?"
    - Jerry, Kramer and Elaine, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
    "For all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I going to feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?"
    "The way I feel when I go places with you?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
    "You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?"
    "Yeah, what is he, some sort of an instigator?"
    "That's right, he's a troublemaker."
    - Kramer and George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
  • The Secretary
    "It's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother."
    "And now someone's going to be taking messages for me."
    "From your mother."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Secretary"
    "You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name."
    - George, in "The Secretary"
    "I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra."
    - George, in "The Secretary"
    "It's definitely do-able."
    - Ada, George's new secretary, in "The Secretary"
    "This is false reflecting!"
    - Elaine, accusing a store of having skinny mirrors, in "The Secretary"
    "When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to skip on the swank."
    - Kramer, in "The Secretary"
    "He's got the Kavorka."
    - Jerry, about Kramer, in "The Secretary"
    "What, do you think the dry cleaner's your own personal closet?!"
    - Jerry, who caught the dry cleaner's wife wearing his mother's fur coat,
    in "The Secretary"
    "For our next meal, do you think we should come here, or should we go someplace else? It has its pros and cons. On the one hand, here you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand..."
    "Yeah, yeah, I know, this would be good but it would be the same. But if we go someplace else it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it!"
    - Banya and Jerry, in "The Secretary"
  • The Kiss Hello
    "I wish the flamenco was popular here."
    "Would you do it?"
    "Yes, I think I would."
    "Well, I knew you had an affinity for it because it's the dance of a very proud people."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Kiss Hello"
    "I love these people. You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved then the delicate genius can be disturbed!"
    - George, in "The Kiss Hello"
    "I'm going on record right now, that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her."
    "Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Kiss Hello"
    "This is going to be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello."
    "What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?"
    "It's the obligation. You know, as soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better."
    "How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Kiss Hello"
    "The delicate genius has a policy!"
    - George, in "The Kiss Hello"
    "That's just what I need... more kissing."
    - Jerry, in "The Kiss Hello"
    "I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer or whatever you want to be called, the kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing and I don't care what the consequences are!"
    - Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Kiss Hello"
  • The Switch
    "Next time let's play ping-pong. It's easier to jump over the net."
    - Jerry, after a game of tennis, in "The Switch"
    "The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman."
    - Jerry, about his new girlfriend, a non-laugher, in "The Switch"
    "Well, I heard a noise."
    "What noise?"
    "You know, 'Bleeaahhh'."
    "What 'Bleeaahhh'?"
    "From the bathroom..."
    "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
    "Every time we go out to eat, the minute we're done she's running for the bathroom."
    "So you're concerned?"
    "Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."
    - George, Jerry and Elaine, in "The Switch"
    - Babs Kramer, revealing her son's first name, in "The Switch"
    "All my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry, I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm going to be. From now on, I'm Cosmo!"
    - Kramer, in "The Switch"
    "Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
    "They didn't have roommates in the middle ages."
    "How do you know?"
    "Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments."
    "Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere there were two women living together."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Switch"
    "Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
    - George, in "The Switch"
    "I'm not an orgy guy."
    - Jerry, in "The Switch"
  • The Label Maker
    "We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it."
    "So that's here?"
    "Yes, yes, you're like Switzerland."
    "I don't wanna be Switzerland."
    "Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted."
    "Don't look at me."
    "Oh, I'm looking right at you, Big Daddy."
    - Kramer, Jerry and Newman, discussing a game of Risk, in "The Label Maker"
    "He's a re-gifter."
    - Elaine, in "The Label Maker"
    "I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
    - George, in "The Label Maker"
    "Alright, fine, you sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's going to suffer? The little people. You and George."
    - Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Label Maker"
    "Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period."
    "Well, didn't he re-gift the label maker?"
    "Well, if he can re-gift, why can't you de-gift?"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Label Maker"
    "It's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives."
    - Jerry, in "The Label Maker"
    "Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
    "You're not a little anything, Newman."
    - Newman and Jerry, in "The Label Maker"
    "I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted, and then he de-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp."
    - Jerry, about Tim Whatley, in "The Label Maker"
    "I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!"
    - Kramer, after catching Newman cheating at Risk, in "The Label Maker"
    "You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine."
    - Kramer, close to victory in Risk, in "The Label Maker"
  • The Scofflaw
    "Was he on his death bed?"
    "No, he was on his regular bed."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Scofflaw"
    "I need a new look. I'm stagnating."
    - Kramer, in "The Scofflaw"
    "I've been living a lie."
    "Just one? I'm living like twenty."
    - Gary and George, in "The Scofflaw"
    "I told Jake you said hi."
    "What?! You told Jake I said hi?"
    "I can't believe you did that. Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi. When did I say hi?"
    - Kramer and Elaine, in "The Scofflaw"
    "I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand."
    "It's like a game of tag."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Scofflaw"
    "I don't think I can be that nice."
    "You be nice!"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Scofflaw"
    "What's this?
    "It's an eyepatch."
    "You look like a pirate."
    "I want to be a pirate."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Scofflaw"
    "I hate smugness. Don't you hate smugness?"
    "Smugness is not a good quality."
    - Elaine and a taxi driver, in "The Scofflaw"
    "Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?"
    - Jerry, to George, who is buying a toupee, in "The Scofflaw"
  • The Coach
    "I got a feeling I'm going to be much smarter than you pretty soon."
    - George, to Jerry, in "The Couch"
    "What do you think Lainey?"
    "Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it."
    "Oh no. I don't want anyone sitting on it."
    - Jerry and Elaine, admiring his new sofa, in "The Couch"
    "If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate."
    "You're not very bright, are you?"
    "No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Couch"
    "What is his stand on abortion?"
    "Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice."
    "How do you know?"
    "Because he, well, he's just so good-looking."
    - Jerry and Elaine, discussing her new boyfriend, in "The Couch"
    "My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!"
    "I'm sure it'll come out."
    "I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore."
    "Oh, you're making too much of it."
    "Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function. It happens to be on my sofa instead of in the toilet where it would normally be."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Couch"
    "You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert."
    - George, in "The Couch"
  • The Bubble Boy
    "I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
    "No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."
    - Naomi and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?"
    - Naomi, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
    "They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry."
    "Blackberry boysenberry."
    "Boysenberry huckleberry."
    "Huckleberry raspberry."
    "Raspberry strawberry."
    "Strawberry cranberry."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "We're making incredible time here."
    - George, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "Hey, I am not a prude, sweetheart. I swing with the best of them."
    - George, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "I can't face the bubble boy."
    - George, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "Nothing's finer than being in your diner?"
    - Elaine, reading what Jerry wrote on an autographed photo, in "The Bubble Boy"
    "What are you looking at? You never seen a kid in a bubble before?"
    - Donald the bubble boy, in "The Bubble Boy"
    - George, playing Trivial Pursuit with the bubble boy, stubbornly
    insisting that a typo on the game card is the correct answer instead
    of "Moors," in "The Bubble Boy"
    "My cubans!"
    - Kramer, worried about his cigars, in "The Bubble Boy"
  • The Gymnast
    "I think she finds my stupidity charming."
    - George, in "The Gymnast"
    "I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters."
    "Maybe you should date the mothers."
    "If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
    "That sex will melt your face."
    - Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
    "Knowing you is like going into the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Gymnast"
    "It's 3-D art. Computers generate it. Big computers!"
    - Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
    "So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
    "No no no no no. It was not trash."
    "Was it in the trash?"
    "Then it was trash."
    "It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
    "But it was in the cylinder."
    "Above the rim."
    "Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
    "It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
    "Was it eaten?"
    "One little bite."
    "Well, that's garbage."
    "But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
    "Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"
    "I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
    - Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
    "Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
    "Boy, you can really talk some trash. I guess that's better than eating it."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
    "But I'm afraid of clowns."
    - Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
    "You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no comedian."
    - Katya, in "The Gymnast"
  • The Fire
    "That's gold, baby."
    "Baby? What, are you doing George now?"
    "Hey, I was saying baby way before George."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Fire"
    "Danke schoen, my little dumplings."
    - Kramer, in "The Fire"
    "Ooo, she's a package full of energy."
    "Yeah, she's a package full of something."
    - Kramer and Elaine, discussing Toby, in "The Fire"
    "Look, I have goose bumps. Touch! Touch them!"
    - Toby, in "The Fire"
    "Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies."
    - Jerry, after Toby heckled him, in "The Fire"
    "Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric... What kind of name is that for a clown?"
    - George, in "The Fire"
    "We needed a leader!"
    - George, explaining his hasty exit from the burning apartment, in "The Fire"
    "How do you live with yourself?"
    "It's not easy."
    - A fireman and George, in "The Fire"
    "So you feel 'women and children first' in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion."
    "To some degree."
    "So, basically, it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves."
    "In a manner of speaking."
    "Well, that's honest."
    "She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals."
    "Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center she'll see things more clearly."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Fire"
    "There's no precedent, baby!"
    "What, are you using my babies now?"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Fire"
    "After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."
    "That's unbelievable!"
    "Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."
    "You ran?"
    "No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'"
    "Holy cow!"
    "Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"
    "How could you do that?"
    "Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
    "You're Batman."
    "Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
    "You kept making all the stops?"
    "Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
    "What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"
    "Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line."
    "You did all this for a pinky-toe?"
    "Well, it's a valuable appendage."
    - Kramer, George and Jerry, in "The Fire"
  • The Chinese Woman
    "Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say."
    - George, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "If I like their race, how can that be racist?"
    - Jerry, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
    - Kramer, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "No, go ahead. I second-hand smoke two packs a day."
    - Jerry, to a polite smoker, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "There's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping."
    - Kramer, unhappy with boxer shorts, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "You know what I like about Manhattan? No mosquitoes."
    - Frank Costanza, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal."
    - Jerry, about George, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "I don't trust men in capes."
    - George, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gaberdine."
    - Jerry, learning that Kramer has given up on underwear of any kind, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "I'm out there Jerry and loving every minute of it."
    - Kramer, in "The Chinese Woman"
    "You have no eye for fashion!"
    "I have no eye for fashion?!"
    - Frank and Estelle Costanza, in "The Chinese Woman"
  • The Chaperone
    "Now there's a career path you may have overlooked."
    - Jerry, to Elaine, commenting on a group of Miss America contestants, in "The Chaperone"
    "Hot dog?"
    "No thanks. I'm watching my weight."
    "Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller."
    - Jerry and Miss Rhode Island, in "The Chaperone"
    "I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed."
    - Jerry, in "The Chaperone"
    "They should be wearing cotton."
    - George, unhappy with the Yankee uniforms, in "The Chaperone"
    "Not many people have grace."
    "Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie O...."
    "You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't."
    "Okay, fine. I have no grace."
    "And you can't acquire grace."
    "Well, I have no intention of getting grace."
    "Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market."
    "Alright, alright, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace, I don't even say grace, okay?"
    "Thank you for coming in."
    "Yeah yeah right."
    - A personnel interviewer and Elaine, in "The Chaperone"
    "I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?"
    "What state?"
    "Rhode Island."
    "They're never in contention."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Chaperone"
    "Poise counts!"
    - Kramer, in "The Chaperone"
    "These doves were murdered."
    - Kramer, in "The Chaperone"
    "It's like watching an animal get tortured."
    - Jerry, watching Miss Rhode Island sing, in "The Chaperone"
  • The Big Salad
    "I think he's got ideas."
    "I wonder if any woman every said that about Einstein?"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "Hey, you want to get some lunch?"
    "Just had a big bowl of Kix."
    "Oh well, that's very mature."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "What's in the big salad?"
    "Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
    - Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "Hey, a rule is a rule, and let's face it, without rules there's chaos."
    - Kramer, in "The Big Salad"
    "She just took credit for my salad. That's not right."
    - George, in "The Big Salad"
    "Generally speaking, you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner."
    - Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him."
    - Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
    "No, there's less."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
    "He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
    "I think I would like to play with dolls."
    - George, in "The Big Salad"
  • The Raincoats
    "Maybe this will become a cool thing... Living with your parents."
    "Yeah, and then maybe baldness will catch on. Things will all be turning your way."
    - George and Jerrie, in "The Raincoats"
    "Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?"
    - George, in "The Raincoats"
    "They're so loud. They're always fighting. It's uncomfortable. You never notice?"
    "Oh, I notice, but they're from your age group. I didn't think you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind."
    - Helen and Jerry, in "The Raincoats"
    "You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld?"
    "Yeah. They bought me a Coke."
    - Elaine and Aaron, in "The Raincoats"
    "I will not tolerate infestation!"
    - Frank, in "The Raincoats"
    "They had plans, huh? They were busy?! They were busy with their big plans!"
    - George, in "The Raincoats"
    "The thing that bothers me the most is the lying."
    - George, in "The Raincoats"
    "Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?"
    "Yes, and a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall."
    - Helen and Newman, in "The Raincoats"
  • The Opposite
    "You got a raise?"
    "I don't fool around, baby!"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Opposite"
    "Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."
    - George, in "The Opposite"
    "Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."
    - George, in "The Opposite"
    "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Opposite"
    "I'm starting the book tour! First stop - Regis and Kathie Lee!"
    "You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee?"
    "Oh, you better believe it."
    "I'll loan you my puffy shirt."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Opposite"
    "You know who you are? Even Steven."
    - Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Opposite"
    "Who are you, George Costanza?"
    "I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."
    - Victoria and George, in "The Opposite"
    "This guy could be a little bonkos."
    - Regis Philbin, introducing Kramer, in "The Opposite"
    "A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion."
    "So I guess your messiah would be the Anti-Christ."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Opposite"
    "Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids."
    - Kramer, offering medical advice, in "The Opposite"
    "Elaine, don't get too down. Everything will even out. See, I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?"
    - Jerry, in "The Opposite"
  • The Pez Dispenser
    "I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand."
    - George, in "The Pez Dispenser"
    "We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get."
    - Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
    "What is that? A Pez dispenser?"
    - Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
    "Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant."
    "Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg."
    "Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pez Dispenser"
    "I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational."
    - Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
    "What are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?"
    "No, intervene. Go ahead, intervene all you want. I'm just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
    "A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves."
    - George, in "The Pez Dispenser"
  • The Stand-In
    "There's nothing to talk about."
    "Ah, what's there to talk about."
    "Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about."
    "Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing to talk about?"
    "She knows there's nothing to talk about."
    "At least she'll be talking."
    "Oh, shut up."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Stand-In"
    "If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
    - George, in "The Stand-In"
    "I can't hide my pity."
    - George, in "The Stand-In"
    "I haven't cracked a smile in months."
    "Oh, don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable. First you crack, then you chuckle."
    - Fulton and Jerry, in "The Stand-In"
    "So how are the eggs?"
    "Eggs are eggs."
    "Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. By the same token, couldn't you say fish is fish? I don't think so."
    - George and Daphne, in "The Stand-In"
    "If I was a woman I'd be down on the dock waiting for the fleet to come in."
    - Jerry, in "The Stand-In"
    "I'm very good with sick people. They love me."
    - Kramer, in "The Stand-In"
    "He took it out."
    - Elaine, after her first date with Jerry's friend, in "The Stand-In"
    "Maybe it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air. They can't breathe in there. It's inhuman."
    - Kramer, speculating on why "He took it out," in "The Stand-In"
    "I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."
    - George, in "The Stand-In"
    "You know, George, they're doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet and greet."
    - Jerry, in "The Stand-In"
    "Rock paper scissors match."
    "Alright! Rock beats paper!"
    "I thought paper covered rock."
    "Nah, rock flys right through paper."
    "Well, what beats rock?"
    "Nothing beats rock."
    - Kramer and Mickey, playing games, in "The Stand-In"
  • The Wife
    "You've got a lot to learn about pancakes."
    - Jerry, in "The Wife"
    "I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other, you care about each other. It's wonderful. Plus, I love saying 'my wife'. Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop. 'My wife' this, 'My wife' that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence."
    - Jerry, in "The Wife"
    "Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?"
    "Make it fifty."
    "We're engaged!"
    - Kramer and Elaine, in "The Wife"
    "I don't know why you're interested in this guy. He's a jerk."
    "Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me."
    "Yeah, so?"
    "I respect that."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Wife"
    "You went in the shower?"
    "Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one!"
    "Do you go in the shower?"
    "No, never."
    "Do you?"
    "I take baths."
    - Elaine, George, Jerry and Kramer, in "The Wife"
    "Why couldn't you just wait?"
    "I was there. I saw a drain."
    "Since when is a drain a toilet?"
    "It's all pipes. What's the difference?"
    "Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix them up!"
    "I'll call a plumber right now!"
    - Elaine and George, in "The Wife"
    "That's how I maintain my glow."
    - Kramer, explaining his visit to a tanning salon, in "The Wife"
    "A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?"
    "Yeah, it's a social thing."
    "What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?"
    - George and Elaine, in "The Wife"
    "I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage."
    - Jerry, in "The Wife"
  • The Phone Message
    "When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do."
    - George, in "The Phone Message"
    "For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."
    - George, in "The Phone Message"
    "To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it make you sound casual."
    "Yeah, like a farm boy."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
    "Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year."
    - George, in "The Phone Message"
    "Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar."
    - George, in "The Phone Message"
    "I don't know what your parents did to you."
    - Elaine, to George, in "The Phone Message"
    "It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now, 'Come and listen to the idiot! Hey everybody, the idiot's on!'"
    - George, worried about an answering machine, in "The Phone Message"
    "I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it."
    - Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
    "Tippy toe! Tippy toe!"
    - George, warning Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
    "That what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?"
    - Carol, to George, in "The Phone Message"
  • The Marine Biologist
    "Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call him Golden Boy."
    - Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?"
    - Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "You can't handle the truth."
    - George, imitating Jack Nicholson, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "Your mother reads your mail?"
    "What do you mean, like postcards?"
    "Oh, anything."
    "She doesn't open."
    "She'll open."
    "You've caught your mother opening envelopes?"
    "What does she say?"
    "I was curious."
    "Isn't that against the law?"
    "Maybe I can get her locked up."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "I've got all my appointments right up here."
    - Kramer, who has no need for an organizer, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "I am such a huge whale fan."
    - George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "Who wants to have some fun?"
    - Kramer, who wants to hit golf balls into the ocean, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on earth. But as George says, they don't have to be."
    - Jerry, making George look good, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "What is that noise? It's traveling up my spine into my brain!"
    - Testikov, just before he throws Elaine's electronic organizer out the window of the limousine, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "She asked for your number. I think she's going to get in touch with you."
    "Okay, I'm telling you right now. If you're kidding around I'm not going to be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that?"
    "I've got no problem with that."
    "Good, because if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game, we're finished."
    "Expect a call."
    "Oh my god, he's not kidding."
    "Now I should tell you that at this point she's under the impression that you're a..."
    "A what?"
    "A marine biologist."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "I know my alleys."
    - George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect."
    - George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
    - George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
    - George, in "The Marine Biologist"
    "What, are you in a bad mood?"
    "I got my laundry back."
    "Golden Boy?"
    "He didn't make it."
    "I'm sorry."
    "This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"
  • Dinner Party
    Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet.
  • Accordion Label
    "Do you believe I got Happy New Year'd today? It's February!"
    "I once got Happy New Year'd in March."
    "It's disgusting."
    "It's pathetic."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
    "It's Goretex. You know about Goretex?"
    "You like saying 'Goretex', don't you?"
    - George, showing off his new coat, and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
    "The fabric of society is very complex, George."
    - Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
    "I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi."
    "You can't bring Pepsi."
    "Why not?"
    "Because we're adults."
    "You're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi."
    "I'll tell ya, George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table."
    "I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it."
    "You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself."
    - George, Elaine and Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
    "You're pretty comfortable up there, huh Bubble Boy?"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Dinner Party"
    "Ooooo, I like Ring Dings."
    - Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"
    "You can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi."
    - Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
    "Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?"
    "You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile."
    "I'm looking forward to it."
    "Yeah, I think it'll be a very smooth transition for you."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
    "I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off kilter."
    - Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"
    "You can't beat a babka."
    - Elaine, at the bakery, in "The Dinner Party"
    "You'd better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war."
    - Kramer, after George bumps someone with his coat, in "The Dinner Party"
    "The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie. All our problems would be solved."
    - Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
    "Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head."
    - Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
    "I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it?"
    "No, I can't comprehend it."
    "I mean, we can put a man on the moon but we're still basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is, he could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You see what I'm saying?"
    "Well, yeah, he can build the rocket, but he's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in."
    "So you really understand my point about building the rocket and double-parking?"
    "On the one hand he's smart with rockets and on the other hand he's dumb with parking."
    - George and Kramer in "The Dinner Party"
    "Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm."
    - Jerry, trying to get a better babka, in "The Dinner Party"
    "I'm a little scared of her."
    - George, talking about Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
    "Fourteen years, down the drain."
    - Jerry, about to throw up, in "The Dinner Party"
    "How was it?"
    "Good as it gets."
    - Elaine and Jerry, after he throws up, in "The Dinner Party"
  • The Alternate Side
    "I don't know my alarm sound. I'm not tuned into it like it's my son."
    - Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
    "These pretzels are making me thirsty."
    - Kramer, practicing his line for a Woody Allen movie, in "The Alternate Side"
    "Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
    "Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
    "I might have a whole new career here."
    "You mean a career."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
    "You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it."
    "Cookies don't liquify."
    "Yes they do, you can liquify a cookie!"
    "Alright, I'll get the blender."
    "What blender? I don't have a blender."
    "You've got a blender."
    "I would know if I had a blender."
    - Elaine, Jerry and Kramer, in "The Alternate Side"
    "Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?"
    - Sid to George, in "The Alternate Side"
    "I'll be ostracized from the community."
    "What community? There's a community?"
    "Of course there's a community."
    "All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea."
    - Elaine and Jerry in "The Alternate Side"
    "Can you die from an odor?"
    - Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"
    "Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans."
    - Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"
  • The Tape
    "You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot."
    "The coup de toe!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Tape"
    "The Chinese have done it my friend, the Chinese have done it!"
    - George, excited about a cure for baldness, in "The Tape"
    "I wanna slide my tongue around you like a snake."
    - Elaine, in "The Tape"
    "Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?"
    "You know what that makes you? A baldist."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Tape"
    "You stink!"
    - Kramer to George, in "The Tape"
    "How often do you cut your toenails?"
    - Kramer, in "The Tape"
    "I think I'll get going..."
    "Stick around a while!"
    "It's early!"
    "We'll order in Chinese!"
    - Elaine, George, Jerry and Kramer, after Elaine admits to being the sexy
    voice on Jerry's tape, in "The Tape"
  • The Conversion
    "You know, it's not like changing toothpaste."
    - Jerry to George, who is thinking of converting to Latvian Orthodox, in "The Conversion"
    "I always open medicine cabinets."
    "I trust people not to do that."
    "Big mistake!"
    - Kramer and Elaine, in "The Conversion"
    "By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza."
    "And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?"
    "Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Conversion"
    "Jerry, I'm tellin' ya, I have this power. And I have no control over it."
    - Kramer, in "The Conversion"
    "I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like."
    - Sister Roberta to Kramer, in "The Conversion"
    "Oh, this power! Look what I'm doing! I'm dangerous, Jerry! I'm very very dangerous!"
    - Kramer, in "The Conversion"
  • The Stall
    "No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square."
    - Jane, in "The Stall"
    "Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent."
    - Jerry, eating popcorn, in "The Stall"
    "Who does she think she is? How dare she! You want me to get the manager? Too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with the flashlights anymore... flush her out."
    - Jerry, reacting to Jane's bad experience in the bathroom, in "The Stall"
    "Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!"
    - Jerry, on Tony, in "The Stall"
    "George is like a schoolgirl around him."
    - Jerry, in "The Stall"
    "I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down."
    - George, trying to be cool with Tony, in "The Stall"
    "Kramer, my man, what are you doing manana?"
    "Manana? I'm doing nada."
    - Tony and Kramer, in "The Stall"
    "It's a different world when you're with a cool guy."
    - George, in "The Stall"
    "I think that you're in love with him."
    "What? That's ridiculous!"
    "No, I don't think so... You love him."
    "You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!"
    - Kramer and George, in "The Stall"
    "Step off, George. I don't want to see you."
    "Me? Step off?"
    - Tony and George, in "The Stall"
    "Ah, you're crazy."
    "Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
    "It's impossible!"
    "Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
    "It can't be."
    "Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
    "Alright, that's enough."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"
  • The Pledge Drive
    "I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?"
    "No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "I put a lot of thought into this card."
    "You signed your name and you addressed the envelope. It's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem."
    - Kristen and Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "A gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom."
    - Kramer, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "If my parents had a mantle, I might be a completely different person."
    - George, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "Do your thing there where you lie to everyone."
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "What the hell are you doing?"
    "I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it? With your hands?"
    - Exec and George, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!"
    "That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "That finger was meant for me!"
    - George, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman."
    "Well, he looks like a man."
    - Noreen and Elaine, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "Where are the totebags? I'm not leaving the premises without totebags. I was promised totebags and totebags I shall have."
    - Kramer, volunteering at PBS, in "The Pledge Drive"
    "I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon."
    - Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"
  • The Pool Guy
    "Hey Elaine, who do you think would win a fight between me and Gorgeous George here?"
    "You mean a real fight fight?"
    "Mano a baldo."
    "George fights dirty."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pool Guy"
    "I don't have one female friend left."
    "Of course you don't. You're a man's woman. You hate other women and they hate you."
    - Elaine and Kramer, in "The Pool Guy"
    "There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man who's afraid of a woman."
    - Kramer, in "The Pool Guy"
    "This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his worlds collide!"
    - Kramer, in "The Pool Guy"
    "Anybody knows... You gotta keep your worlds apart!"
    - George, in "The Pool Guy"
    "I'm getting a new telephone number."
    "How come?"
    "Chicks, man. Too many chicks know my number."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Pool Guy"
    "What else did you two do?"
    "Oh, you know, girly stuff."
    "So, uh, flower shows, shopping for pretty bows, then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight."
    "That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?"
    "Yes, I do."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pool Guy"
    "You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist. You see, right now I have Relationship George. But there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with... Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George."
    "I love that George."
    "Me too, and he's dying. If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pool Guy"
  • The Gun
    "You think she's happy?"
    "The cashier."
    "Ruthie Cohen?"
    "You know her name?"
    "I don't think I've ever spoken to her."
    "Maybe that's why she's happy."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Gum"
    "Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch at home?"
    "Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you could just stick something in the microwave... Why go to the park and fly a kite when you could just pop a pill?"
    - George and Kramer, in "The Gum"
    "I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-meiny."
    - Jerry, in "The Gum"
    "She was built in 1922 during the golden age of movie palaces. Minor restorations in 1941, 47, 52, 58, 63, and currently to our present period of time."
    - Kramer, giving a tour of the theatre, in "The Gum"
    "Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around, chewing gum."
    - Kramer, in "The Gum"
    "That cashier is riding horses on my money."
    "Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around, see if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty-dollar bills around with big lips."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Gum"
    "Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue!"
    - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Gum"
    "We've really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend."
    - Lloyd Braun, in "The Gum"
  • The Strike
    "You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really really fast."
    - Jerry, in "The Strike"
    "I got him Yankee tickets, he got me a piece of paper saying I've given your gift to someone else."
    "To a children's charity."
    "Don't you see how wrong that is? Where's your Christmas spirit!? An eye for an eye!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Strike"
    "When George was growing up, his father hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday."
    "Oh... and another piece of the puzzle falls into place."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Strike"
    "H&H wouldn't let us use their bathroom while we were picketing. It put a cramp in our solidarity."
    - Kramer, in "The Strike"
    "Why didn't you ever mention this?"
    "Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Strike"
    "So, attractive one day, not attractive the next."
    "Have you come across this?"
    "Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face."
    "Like the Batman villain?"
    "If that helps you."
    "So if I ask her out again, I don't know who's showing up -- the good, the bad, or the ugly."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Strike"
    "Happy Festivus, George!"
    - Elaine, in "The Strike"
    "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
    "What happened to the doll?"
    "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born... A Festivus for the rest of us!"
    - Frank Costanza and Kramer, in "The Strike"
    "At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year."
    "And is there a tree?"
    "No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting."
    "Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch."
    - Frank and Kramer, in "The Strike"
    "Yamahama, it's fright night!"
    - Kramer, seeing Jerry's date in a bad light, in "The Strike"
  • The Secret Code
    "Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?"
    "Actually, that's the definition of selfish."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Secret Code"
    "I am not giving my code to anyone, for any reason!"
    "What if my life depended on it?"
    "If you're in some situation where some fast cash will save your life, I'll give you the code."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Secret Code"
    "Now how am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like to be on, Jerry. I would much rather be off."
    "Trust me, you're off."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Secret Code"
    "I'll tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls."
    - J. Peterman, in "The Secret Code"
    "I really should be getting back to my fiance. We had this big fight yesterday and, well, she wants to know my secret code. I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, I would really love to tell someone because it's killing me. You want to know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup. I love that stuff. I pour it in milk. It's my favorite drink."
    - George, talking to Peterman's unconscious mother, in "The Secret Code"
    "I am not giving you my code."
    "I'll bet I can guess it."
    "Yeah, right."
    "Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you. You're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations. But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth. Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey's!? Nestle's Quick!?"
    - George and Kramer, in "The Secret Code"
  • The Caddy
    "Oh great, it's the bra-less wonder. Who does she think she's kidding? Look at her. She's totally out of control."
    - Elaine, in "The Caddy"
    "It is all because of that car. See, Steinbrenner is like the first guy in at the crack of dawn. He sees my car, he figures I'm the first guy in. Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an eighteen-hour day!"
    "Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Caddy"
    "This woman has never, not once, ever, as long as I've known her, worn a bra."
    "That's just shameless."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Caddy"
    "Her birthday's coming up, see, so I decided to get her a little present."
    "What are you going to get her?"
    "A very traditional, a very supportive, brassiere."
    "There's nothing subtle about that."

    "No, no, she might just think it's a gift."

    "Have I ever bought you a jockstrap as a gift?" - Elaine, Jerry, and George, in "The Caddy"   "A woman just walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on? She's a menace to society." - Elaine, in "The Caddy"   "It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!" - Jackie Chiles, in "The Caddy"   "Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here... George is dead... Call me back." - Frank, in "The Caddy"   "Are you going to tell your parents you're still alive?" "No. They could use the break." - Jerry and George, in "The Caddy"

  • The Frogger
    "I had to take a sick day, I'm so sick of these people."
    - Elaine, on her co-workers, in "The Frogger"
    "You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?"
    "They want to know why they never see you."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Frogger"
    "Oh, I was unstoppable! Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella, with just the right amount of grease on the joystick."
    - George, on his gaming skills, in "The Frogger"
    "What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy. Do we have to be fat too?"
    - Elaine, in "The Frogger"
    "Well, I'm doing it Jerry. I'm buying that Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever!"
    "Fabulous! See, now you're really doing something."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Frogger"
    "You know, the police, they found another victim of The Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo... and it looked a lot like you."
    "Oh come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
    "Not as many as there used to be."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Frogger"
    "Kramer, listen to me. I'm never going to have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me."
    "Believe me, George, you can count on Slippery Pete."
    - George and Kramer, in "The Frogger"
    "She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs."
    - Jerry, in "The Frogger"
    "Guess what I ate!"
    "An ostrich burger?"
    "No, a $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at the Duke and Duchess of Windsor auction. It's the most romantic thing I've ever eaten."
    - Elaine and George, in "The Frogger"
    "Why don't you put it in the car so I don't accidentally toss it in that dumpster."
    - Jerry, receiving an ugly new hat, in "The Frogger"
    "It's an Entenmann's."
    "Do they have a castle at Windsor?"
    "No, they have a display case at the end of the aisle."
    - Lubeck, the cake appraiser, and Peterman, in "The Frogger"
    "Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item still with you?"
    "Umm, as far as I know."
    "Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement?
    "Uhh, I guess I hadn't..."
    "Well, I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough."
    - Peterman and Elaine, after he discovers that she ate his antique cake, in "The Frogger"
  • The Seven
    "I miss the days when they made toys that could kill a kid."
    - Jerry, in "The Seven"
    "The only way to really help her is to just let her be."
    - Jerry, about Elaine, in "The Seven"
    "Carrie, you and Susan are cousins... So, your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?"
    "It doesn't make you anything."
    "Well, so legally I could marry your daughter!"
    - George and Carrie, in "The Seven"
    "Are you unhappy with our arrangement?"
    "What arrangement?"
    "Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine."
    "Yeah? Well, let me know when you get something in there and I will."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Seven"
    "I think I really sprained it."
    "Ah, I doubt you sprained it. Maybe you pulled it."
    "Did you twist it? You could've twisted it."
    "I don't know."
    "Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it, turned it..."
    "You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Seven"
    "A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body's natural pressure points. He sells t-shirts outside the World Trade Center."
    - Kramer, in "The Seven"
    "Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
    "Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy."
    "I don't think so."
    "What, you don't like the name?"
    "It's not a name. It's a number."
    "I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute."
    - George and Susan, in "The Seven"
    "Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service."
    - Jerry, in "The Seven"
    "I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
    "Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup. Pretty name for a girl."
    "Alright... You having a good time now?"
    "I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? Maxwell House?"
    "Alright already!!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Seven"
  • The Calzone
    "I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer."
    - Kramer, in "The Calzone"
    "I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I'm having lunch at his desk every day this week... just him and me. He doesn't make a move without me."
    - George, about George Steinbrenner's love of the calzone, in "The Calzone"
    "Beautiful women... Ya know, they get away with murder. You never see one of them lift anything over three pounds. They do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and nobody can stop them."
    "She's like a beautiful Godzilla."
    "And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Calzone"
    "You've got your shirt in my oven?"
    "Well, I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer, but this is better anyway. And it's more convenient."
    "Oh, for both of us."
    "Yeah, and I have a lot more control. I got a shirt going for ten minutes at 325."
    "What's wrong with your oven?"
    "I'm baking a pie."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Calzone"
    "He fires people like it's a bodily function."
    - George, about George Steinbrenner, in "The Calzone"
    "Let me be perfectly blunt. I don't care for you, Costanza. You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day laughing it up, wasting your lives."
    - Newman, in "The Calzone"
    "These are terrible."
    "It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone."
    - Elaine and Jerry, smoking bad Peruvian cigars, in "The Calzone"
  • The Nap
    "I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."
    - George, in "The Nap"
    "The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the person."
    "Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Nap"
    "Jerry, look at my eyes."
    "Hmmm... they're a little less beady today."
    "Because I'm refreshed! I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk! I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible!"
    "Sounds like a real cool fort."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Nap"
    "Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes."
    "What is that smell?"
    "That's East River."
    "You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?"
    "Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage."
    "How could you swim in that water?"
    "I saw a couple other guys out there."
    "Well... floating. They weren't moving much, but they were out there."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Nap"
    "Jerry! Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner's in the room. You gotta help me!"
    "Who is this?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Nap"
    "It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza."
    - Elaine, in "The Nap"
  • The Susie
    "You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving she calls me Susie."
    "I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe."
    "What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Susie"
    "Wait 'til you see the dress that she's got. It's backless. I'm finally going to make a great entrance."
    "Backless? You gonna back her in?"
    - George and Elaine, in "The Susie"
    "She wants to talk?"
    "She doesn't want to talk, she needs to talk."
    "Nobody needs to talk."
    "Who would want to?"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Susie"
    "My whole life I have never made a great entrance."
    "You've made some fine exits."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Susie"
    "Between you, me, and the lamppost... and the desk, Peggy says this Suse isn't much of a worker."
    "It's Susie."
    "Nevertheless Elaine, the House of Peterman is in disorder."
    - Peterman and Elaine, in "The Susie"
  • The Yada Yada
    "I notice she's big on the phrase 'yada yada'."
    "Is 'yada yada' bad?"
    "No, yada yada's good. She's very succinct."
    "She is succinct."
    "It's like you're dating USA Today."
    - Jerry and George, talking about Marcy, in "The Yada Yada"
    "I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything."
    - Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
    "Are you close with your parents?"
    "Well, they gave birth to me and... yada yada yada..."
    "Yada what?"
    "Yada... yada... yada..."
    - Marcy and George, in "The Yada Yada"
    "I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. I can gloss over my whole life story."
    - George, in "The Yada Yada"
    "Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him."
    - Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
    "Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and 'yada yada yada I'm really tired today.' You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
    "I've yada yada'd sex."
    "Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
    "But you yada yada'd over the best part."
    "No, I mentioned the bisque."
    - George, Elaine, and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
    "I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes."
    "And this offends you as a Jewish person?"
    "No, it offends me as a comedian."
    - Jerry and Father Curtis, in "The Yada Yada"
    "You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't you? Newer magazines."
    - Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
    "You have no idea what my people have been through."
    "The Jews?"
    "No, the dentists. Did you know we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?"
    "Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?"
    - Tim Whatley and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
    "Kramer, he's just a dentist."
    "Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Yada Yada"
    "Hi Mr. Abbott."
    "That's Dr. Abbott, DDS. Tim Whatley was one of my students, and if this wasn't my son's wedding day I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard."
    - Jerry and Dr. Abbott, in "The Yada Yada"
    "Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?"
    "A dentist."
    - Beth and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
  • The Comeback
    "The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
    - George, in "The Comeback"
    "It went straight to video. That makes me the premiere."
    - Kramer, in "The Comeback"
    "I don't want to be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out."
    - Kramer, in "The Comeback"
    "I'm going with jerk store. Jerk store is the line. Jerk store!"
    - George, in "The Comeback"
    "You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats."
    - Kramer, about Elaine, in "The Comeback"
    "Yank it like you're starting a mower."
    - Elaine, on turning off a life support system, in "The Comeback"
    "We only wake you up for the important meetings."
    - Yankee exec, to George, in "The Comeback"
    "Jerk store would've smoked that guy!"
    - George, in "The Comeback"
    "I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma."
    "I didn't know it was possible to not know that."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Comeback"
    "It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. And I'm not going to dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!"
    - George, about his comeback line, in "The Comeback"
    "You know, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."
  • The Visa
    "I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!"
    - George, in "The Visa"
    "You're a very very good man."
    - Babu to Jerry, in "The Visa"
    "Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
    - George, in "The Visa"
    "Why don't we just put these two tables together?"
    "No no, you can't do that. They're round... it makes an eight...."
    - Elaine and George, who doesn't want any
    company on his date, in "The Visa"
    "He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show and go see the other show."
    - Elaine, about George, in "The Visa"
    "Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny."
    - George, to Jerry, in "The Visa"
    "Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing."
    - Jerry, trying not to be funny, in "The Visa"
    "Hey! I thought you weren't coming back 'til Monday!?"
    "Well, the camp ended a few days early."
    "Well, there was an incident."
    "What happened?"
    "I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."
    "Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they cancelled the rest of the week."
    "You punched *who* in the mouth?"
    "Mickey Mantle."
    "What happened?"
    "Well, you know, we were playin' a game and I was pitching and I was really throwin' some smoke. And uh, Joe Pepitone, he was up and man, that guy... he was crowding the plate!"
    "Wow... Joe Pepitone!"
    "Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music... put him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place! So.... I had to plunk him."
    "You plunked him?"
    "Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound, next thing both benches are cleared, a brouhaha breaks out between the guys in camp and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind and I turned around and I *popped* him! I look down and, whoa man! It's Mickey! I punched his lights out! Then Hank Bauer's screaming 'Mickey! Mickey! What have you have done with Mickey?! You killed Mickey!'"
    "So what did you do?"
    "I got the hell outta there!"
    - Jerry, Kramer and Elaine, as Kramer describes the fun he had at camp, in "The Visa"
    "You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!!"
    - Babu, after finding out that Jerry is the reason he's being deported back to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
    "Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!"
    - Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
    "No. Too fruity."
    - Elaine and Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
    "It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail, anyway."
    "Elaine, that's what mail *is*. Without bills, magazines
    and junk mail, there *is* no mail."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Visa"
    "Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."
    - George, trying to be witty, in "The Visa"
    "The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the twenty-first century."
    - Elaine, imitating a snooty spokesmodel, in "The Visa"
    "Do you ever laugh?"
    "Not really. Sometimes when I'm in the tub..."
    "That's so sad. What do you do?"
    "I'm a comedian."
    - Cheryl and Jerry, in "The Visa"
    "Nobody is sicker than me."
    - George, in "The Visa"
    "I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget it. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. Very, very bad man."
    - Babu, blaming Jerry for his deportation to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
  • The Pothole
    "Jenna's like me. She's very..."
    "Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?"
    "I'll take fastidious."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Pothole"
    "They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'Holy cow', do they?"
    "Just the last few innings of a double-header."
    - Jerry and George. about Phil Rizzuto, in "The Pothole"
    "Well, look at that. A talking Nixon."
    - Kramer, seeing George's Phil Rizzuto key chain, in "The Pothole"
    "As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway."
    - Kramer, in "The Pothole"
    "This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there."
    "At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage."
    "Quality time."
    - Kramer and Jerry, in "The Pothole"
    "You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!"
    - Jerry, to George, in "The Pothole"
    "This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!"
    - Elaine, to the delivery boy, in "The Pothole"
    "So the plan is to secretly sterilize her mouth?"
    "By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pothole"
    "So now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level."
    - Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Pothole"
    "Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder."
    "And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Pothole"
    "You could've introduced me."
    "I wouldn't know where to start."
    - Jerry and Kramer, in "The Pothole"
    "You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet just to get this flounder?"
    "It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser."
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Pothole"
    "That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster."
    - Kramer, about the flounder, in "The Pothole"
    "I just have to do all the jack-hammering myself."
    "Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labor fantasy camp."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Pothole"
    "Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?"
    "For what?"
    "I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump."
    "Dirt? That's alright, because there's nothing wrong with dirt."
    "Well, actually it's pretty grimy."
    "Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery."
    "Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Pothole"
  • The Wink
    "I'd rather be dating the blind. You know, you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her."
    "I think she'd figure it out."
    - George and Elaine, in "The Wink"
    "Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?"
    "A healthy person."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Wink"
    "I still can't believe you're going out on a blind date."
    "I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking."
    "You're going by sound? What are we, whales?"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Wink"
    "So, what you are saying is that ninety to ninety-five percent of the population is undateable?"
    "Then how are all these people getting together?"
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Wink"
    "Pulp can move, baby!"
    - George, in "The Wink"
    "Women don't respect salad eaters."
    - Jerry, in "The Wink"
    "We reversed positions so there was no funny business."
    "Reversed positions?"
    "Yeah, you know, head to toe."
    "So what, your genitals are still lined up."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Wink"
    "So, is the chop the way you like it?"
    "I usually like mine with an angioplasty."
    - Holly and Jerry, in "The Wink"
    "Do you always stuff meat in your pocket?"
    "Uh, sometimes I use the sofa."
    - Holly and Jerry, in "The Wink"
  • The Deal
    "What was that look?"
    "What look?"
    "The look you just gave me."
    "I gave a look?"
    "What kind of look?"
    "I know that look."
    "Then what was it?"
    "Why should I tell you?"
    "Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are."
    "Trust me, I know the look."
    - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Deal"
    "I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated."
    "It's almost stupid if we didn't."
    "It's moronic."
    - Jerry and Elaine, contemplating a new sexual relationship, in "The Deal"
    "Sometimes when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that."
    - Jerry, in "The Deal"
    "I slept with Elaine last night."
    "Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major!"
    - Jerry and George, in "The Deal"
    "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!"
    - George, to Jerry, in "The Deal"
    "That's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door. They'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face."
    - George, in "The Deal"
    "It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details."
    - Jerry, in "The Deal"
    "Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done."
    - George, to Jerry, in "The Deal"
    "I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide... You're not going anywhere."
    - George, in "The Deal"
    "I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it."
    - Jerry, about Elaine, in "The Deal"
    "What about candle holders?"
    "Too romantic."
    "Too sexual."
    "Waffle maker?"
    "Too domestic."
    "Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?"
    "Too gubernatorial."
    - George and Jerry, looking for a gift for Elaine, in "The Deal"
    "Who are you, my uncle?"
    - Elaine, to Jerry after he gives her cash for her birthday, in "The Deal"
    "No this. No that. No this or that. Oh boy, what do you want?"
    "This, that, and the other."
    "Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?"
    - Jerry and Elaine, in "The Deal"
    "What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?"
    "It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Deal"
  • The Ticket
    "Yo-Yo Ma!"
    - Kramer, suffering the ill effects of a kick to the head, in "The Ticket"
    "I'm not taking a cab."
    "I'll pay for it."
    "It's not the money."
    "Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Ticket"
    "You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!"
    - Newman, to Kramer, in "The Ticket"
    "Why didn't you shave this morning?"
    "Because I shaved yesterday in the afternoon."
    "Because of the day before. It's a long story."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Ticket"
    "I was never able to become a banker."
    - Kramer, inventing a story with Newman, in "The Ticket"
    "The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation."
    - George, in "The Ticket"
    "That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there."
    - George, in "The Ticket"
    "Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved, and to be a banker."
    - Newman, in "The Ticket"
    "I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?"
    "He's somebody."
    "What about me?"
    "You're nobody."
    "Why him? Why not me?"
    "He's good, you're not."
    "I'm better than him."
    "You're worse, much much worse."
    - George and Jerry, in "The Ticket"
    "You know, a muffin can be very filling!"
    - Jerry, in "The Ticket"
  • The Ex Girlfriend
    "Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things."
    "You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off!"
    - George and Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob."
    - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "I only eat cantaloupe at certain times."
    - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in."
    - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "It's like I was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard tower: 'Son of a bang! Son of a boom!' I get to the top of the wall, the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away. I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!"
    - George, describing his break-up to Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?"
    - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "I hate the little room."
    - George, at the doctor's office, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says."
    "Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say."
    - Jerry and George, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "The apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time."
    - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen?"
    - George, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
    "I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night."
    "Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?"
    "I saw your act."
    "My act? What does that have to do with anything?"
    "Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff."
    "I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't like my act, so that's it?"
    "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
    "You're a cashier!"
    "Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of humor."
    "You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible."
    "I heard the material."
    "I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend."
    - Marlene and Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
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